


one last time

by jagseun



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, Car Accidents, Fist Fights, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-12-12 18:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11742396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jagseun/pseuds/jagseun
Summary: Today should've been another normal day, but instead everything crumbles right before his eyes.Just when Jinyoung thought his life was over, he was given a second chance.





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has read 'Before I Fall" by Lauren Oliver, this is an adaptation of that. ^^
> 
> Thank you to SNSD's latest album for the title inspiration, check it out!

_6:38AM_

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung rolled over in bed, trying to reposition himself and fall back to sleep.  Unfortunately, his mom’s yelling was soon joined by his phone going off ten times.

His best friend Jackson had sent him ‘Happy Valentine’s Day!’ then spammed every single heart emoji he could find. 

“Park Jinyoung!  Get out of bed this instant!” 

Jinyoung had to force himself out of bed, lazily brushing his teeth and showering.  Today was Valentine’s day and Jackson was already waiting outside ready to pick him up.  If he didn’t hurry up Jackson was going to march into Jinyoung’s house and pull him out of the shower and into the car clothed or not.

 “Jinyoung, it’s cold out don’t forget to dress warmly.”  His mom said as he came downstairs dressed in a sweater and jeans. 

“Don’t I already look warm?” 

“I meant you should wear your winter coat and gloves.”  

“Yeah, yeah, I know…”  Jinyoung said as he grabbed his gloves off the table.

“Don’t you want breakfast?”  His mom was already cooking something for him.

“I’m good!”  Jinyoung yelled already halfway through the door, slamming it shut and running towards the car parked in front of his house.

“Good morning sweetheart!”  Jackson yelled, blowing a kiss his way. 

Jinyoung replied by slicing the incoming kiss in half with his hand, making Jackson gasp.

“That’s no way to celebrate the day of love.”  Jackson retorted. 

“Celebrating love?  In case you forgot, we’re both single.”  Jinyoung opened the passenger side of Jackson’s car and slipped in.

Jackson got into the driver’s side.  “Doesn’t matter if we’re both single, we’re going to celebrate our platonic love, right?”  Jackson was giving him one of those cheesy smiles and he knew he wouldn’t start the car until he complied.  “Right?  You love me?”

Jinyoung sighed but still smiled.  “Of course, I love you Jackson.”  Jackson made some happy squeaky noises.

“Wang gae?”  He tried.

“Just start the damn car.” Jackson gave in without an answer, realizing he was pushing his luck.

They dropped by Bambam’s house first, who was looking down as he slumped into the backseat muttering ‘I can’t believe I’m single on Valentine’s Day…’

“Bambam, you’re always going to be single if you don’t actually ask someone out,”  Jackson said.  “Why don’t you ask out that guy in my science class?  The one with green eyes?”

“He’s good looking, but the way he dresses? No thanks.”

“What about that girl in your gym class!  The one who always has her hair in a ponytail?”

“One of her eyes is lower than the other, I can’t stop staring at it when I talk to her.”

“Oh!  The guy in our math class, the one with the red hair?”

“Really? You want me to date a guy with red hair when I already have red hair?  We’d clash!”

Jackson threw both his hands up in the air.  “I give up!”

Jinyoung laughed at their antics.  He often wondered how he ended up with such a rowdy close group of friends when he was always more calm and serious, but he realized if they didn’t have a designated ‘ _mom friend’_ to help keep them under control they would’ve done something irredeemably stupid by now.  “Jackson keeps your hands on the steering wheel!”

They dropped by Youngjae’s house next, Bambam reached over and locked the door right before he could open it.  “This isn’t funny!  It wasn’t funny the first ten times either!”  Youngjae yelled into the closed window.  “Open the door!”

Jackson and Bambam were practically keeling over with laughter.  “You gotta be faster than that Youngjae, the door was open.”  Jackson cracked the window open to tell Youngjae.

“I said open the door!  We’re going to be late!”

“What are the magic words?”  Bambam probed.

Youngjae sighed deeply.  “Bambam is the greatest person in the entire world and I’d happily worship the ground he walks on.”

Bambam clicked the door open.  “That’s better.”  Youngjae shoved Bambam hard against the seat when he got in.

“You’re so rude.”  Youngjae said, but then they all started laughing again.

There was never a dull moment with this group, that was for sure.

“Do you guys have any plans for Valentine’s?”  Youngjae asked as they started driving again.  Bambam groaned, suddenly remembering he was single again.

“I heard there was a party tonight, since we’re all single we should go and who knows maybe we won’t be single by the end of the night.”

“I’m only going if Youngjae agrees not to get so wasted he passes out and we literally have to drag him out to the car again.”  Bambam adds and Youngjae smacks him on the shoulder.

“That was only one time!”

“How about you Jinyoung?  I heard Jaebum is going to be at the party.”  Jackson says, elbowing him.

“In case you forgot, we broke up.”

“He’s still pining over you though,” Youngjae added.  “You don’t have to get back together but if you play your cards right you could end senior year with a _bang_.”

“Shut up.”  Jinyoung tried to swat at Youngjae from the front but he couldn’t reach.

Jackson’s high-pitched laughter was piercing but comforting.  “Jaebum _is_ really hot.  If you don’t want him maybe Bambam would approve?”

“Don’t you think his forehead is kind of big?”  That made everyone in the car burst out laughing.

“Bambam,” Jackson started.  “You’re going to be single forever.”

* * *

 

“Valentine-o-grams are here!”  A group of girls interrupted Jinyoung’s history class carrying baskets of roses.

A tradition on Valentine’s day was to send roses to people, anonymous or not it was a cute gesture.

“Popular, aren’t we?”  The first girl said as she handed him four roses, one sent from Jackson as a friendship rose, two were anonymous and didn’t have any messages, the fourth sent from Jaebum with just a winky face in the message part.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung laid them at the side of his desk as one of the other girls walked over to him.  “Wait, there’s one more for you!”  The girl laid the rose down on his table. 

Jinyoung picked up the rose, this was also sent from anonymous but this time they included a message.

_As the moon spins with the earth around the sun,_

_If we weren’t together, we would not be alive._

Jinyoung felt a chill run through his body as he read the message. _Who on earth could’ve sent this?_

Jinyoung must’ve been thinking for too long because he was snapped out of it by his teacher dismissing the class for lunch.

“Jinyoung, wait up!”  Jinyoung heard a voice calling out to him and he walked through the hallway.  “Jinyoung!!”

“Not in the mood today Yugyeom.”  Jinyoung said brushing him off.

“I just wanted to ask you if you’re going to the party at my house today?  It’s going to be awesome!  Wild!”

“Who knows.”  Jinyoung sneered back before speed walking to meet up with his friends for lunch.

* * *

 

“Look, here comes the crypt keeper.”  Jackson said, pointing to the lanky boy walking to a table with his lunch tray.

For as long as Jinyoung had known Jackson he’d always had a vendetta against Mark Tuan.  He was a quiet skinny kid who kept to himself.  Jackson was a popular guy and was friends with everyone, the hate spread and now everyone in the school looked at Mark as some sort of creep.

Mark made the mistake of glancing at them, his disheveled hair and oversized clothes only adding to his image.  “Mark!  Did you get my rose?”  Jackson yelled. 

“Oh my _god_ , don’t tell me you sent him the same message again?” Youngjae said through giggles.

“ _Maybe next year, but probably not_.”  Jackson confirmed, this time the whole table was laughing.  “Markie!  Did you get it or not?!”  Jackson yelled again.

“Stop trying, I’m pretty sure he’s mute or something.  Have you ever even heard him talk?”  Bambam added.

“Alright, you guys that’s enough.” Jinyoung settled them down as Mark sat down at a table far away from theirs. 

“Jinyoung…”  A voice from behind him made him jump.  “Did you get my rose?”

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung turned around be didn’t feel like smiling.  “I got it.”

“Cool,”  Jaebum said, unsure of what to say.  “Are you going to the party at Yugyeom’s place tonight?”

“I’ll be there.”  Jinyoung deadpanned.

“Great!  I’ll…. See you there?”  He looked too hopeful.

“I’m not sure if you forgot, but we broke up a week ago?”

“Jinyoung-“

“Jaebum.”  Jinyoung’s voice was stern.

“Whatever.” Jaebum said, getting the message and walking away.

“Why did you break up with him again?”  Youngjae said as soon as Jaebum was gone.  “Because I forgot how hot he was for a second and if he was mine I don’t think I’d ever let him go.”

“Didn’t he get drunk at Sungjin’s pool party last week and end up puking on Jinyoung?”  Jinyoung cringed at that memory as Bambam brought it up.

“What!  Was that all?”  Youngjae leaned over the table and stared at Jinyoung.  “With a face like _that,_ I’d accept his vomit with all the love in my heart.”

“It wasn’t just that…”  Jinyoung said, but he had to admit the vomit incident sped up the process tenfold.

“Jinyoung isn’t as shallow as you Youngjae.”  Jackson added and Youngjae threw a plastic spoon at him.

“That’s not true!”

Jinyoung laughed.  “What am I going to do with you guys?”

* * *

 

The party was exactly what Jinyoung though it would be like.  At least fifty bodies crowded into one house, the air sticky with the scent of sweat, music blasting his eardrums out, and all sorts of drinks to go around.  It wasn’t exactly his scene but it was amazing how loose he could get with a few drinks.

Jackson was a natural party goer, already socializing with everyone and making them laugh.  Bambam was off somewhere scoping out anyone who looked single, and he thought Youngjae was with him but he seemed to have gotten lost in the crowd. 

“Jinyoooooung!”  Jaebum slurred as he tried to walk towards him but ended up walking right into him, dumping most of his drink down Jinyoung’s white shirt.  “Shit, I’m so sorryyy.” 

“It’s okay-“

“Do you need a new shirt, you can have mine.”  Jaebum reached to pull his shirt over his head but Jinyoung stopped him.  He was obviously over his drinking limit.  Typical.

“That’s alright, I was looking for Youngjae-“

“Yooooungjae!  I think I saw him on a couch.  Somewhere.”

“That’s great!  I’ll be going!”  Jaebum tried to continue talking but Jinyoung slipped away and grabbed a handful of paper towels from the kitchen to try and dry himself off before heading to the living room.

“Jinyoung, there you are!”  Jackson called out to him from the sofa where he was sitting with Bambam and Youngjae to one side, and a girl practically on his lap on the other.  She left quietly when Jackson pulled Jinyoung onto his lap instead.  He obviously wasn’t that interested in her.  “I missed you.”

“It’s only been half an hour.”  Jinyoung laughed as he toppled on top of Jackson. 

“That’s too long!”  Jackson said, pulling Jinyoung even closer.  “Why are you wet?”

“Someone spilled their drink but it’s no big deal-“

“Jackson,” Bambam got their attention.  “Look who’s’ here.”

Jinyoung rolled off Jackson’s lap so he could see what Bambam was talking about.  He watched as Mark Tuan marched into the room, looking in their direction.

“What is he doing here?”  Jackson automatically jumped off the couch.  “Hey, Markie!  Are you lost?  This is a party!  Shouldn’t you be lying under a rock somewhere?”  He still wore the same clothes from school.

The party goers took notice of the yelling them suddenly crowding around where Jackson and Mark finally met up.

“No response?  Typical.”  Jackson said staring him down.  Jinyoung and the others quickly took their place behind him.

“Bastard…”  Mark muttered under his breath.

“What did you just call me?”  Jackson said, his face right up in Mark’s space now.

“I called you a _bastard_.”  Mark said, louder this time, his voice stung like venom.

“I dare you to say that again,” Jackson said, his arms shoving Mark back lightly in threat.  “Say it again!”

“It’s no wonder your dad was never around, your mom’s a whore and she must be even more embarrassed that she gave birth to someone like you.”  Mark spat, no fear in his eyes.

That’s when Jackson lost it.

It happened in a blur, Jackson screaming ‘Fuck you! Don’t you fucking _dare_ talk about my mom!”  and his fist colliding with Mark’s face.

Mark grabbed a glass off the table and send it hurtling at Jackson, hitting his chest and dowsing him in alcohol.

Bambam and Youngjae were trying to hold Jackson back but he was too strong for them, his fists kept flying along with cuss words. 

Eventually, Mark had a bloody nose and his fists were too damaged for him to continue.

It took Youngjae, Bambam, and Jinyoung’s own strength combined to finally pull Jackson back before he caused some permanent damage.  “Jackson calm down, this isn’t worth it.”  Youngjae pleaded.

“You hurt him any further you’re going to be in deep shit!”  Bambam yelled, but Jackson was still raging, tears in his eyes.

Mark finally turned around and ran.  “You better fucking leave, I never want to see your fucking face ever again!”  Jackson yelled and Jinyoung clasped a hand over his mouth.

“That’s enough,” Jinyoung said in his calming voice.  “Let’s go, we’ve caused enough trouble.”

* * *

 

The drive back home was eerily silent.  The only sounds that could be heard was the heavy rainfall against the windows and the tires slick against the wet road.  Jackson was gripping the steering wheel so tight he looked like he was going to break it.

“H-how about some music or something?”  Youngjae reached for the radio but Jinyoung slapped his hand away.

“I don’t think this is the time.”  Everyone in the car was scared to talk to Jackson, but Jinyoung knew he had the best chance.  “Are you sure you’re okay to drive Jackson?”

“I’m.  Fine.”  Jackson wasn’t fine.

Silence again.

Jackson sighed, knowing his attitude wasn’t making anything better.  “He made fun of my mom.”  Jinyoung patted Jackson on the shoulder.  “He had it coming.”

Nobody knew what to say to that, so they settled into silence again. 

The windshield wipers were barely working in this downpour, a truck veered past them way too close for comfort. 

Jinyoung pulled out his phone, trying to distract himself from the awkwardness.

_12:38AM_

Youngjae had found some headphones.  Bambam was playing some games on his phone.  Jackson was still trying not to rip the steering wheel off the car.

_12:39AM_

Jinyoung wasn’t sure what they hit, but the next thing he knew they were flying. 

The car flipping over and over, his body being beaten up, shards of glass flying everywhere.

Then, darkness.


	2. Day Two

_6:38AM_

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung rolled, over in bed, trying to reposition himself and fall back to sleep.

“Park Jinyoung!  Get out of bed this instant!” 

Jinyoung finally sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and grabbing his phone to stop the incessant buzzing.  “What the…”  His head felt heavy, memories of the night before flowing back too suddenly.

_Wait, what the hell happened last night?_

The last thing he remembered was a car crashing, he was flying and then…. nothing.

“Jinyoung!”  His mom was standing at his bedroom door now.  “Why are you still in bed?  You have school!  I’ve been calling you for ten minutes.”  She nagged.

“Mom,” Jinyoung rubbed his eyes again, still trying to figure out what happened last night.  “Isn’t it Saturday?”

“No, it’s Friday.  Valentine’s Day, remember?”  His mom said calmly.

“That was… huh?”  Jinyoung finally looked at his phone, Jackson had messaged him ‘Happy Valentine’s Day!’ along with every single heart emoji he could find.

“Jackson is already waiting outside, get up.”  She pulled the covers off him but he was still blankly staring at his phone.

“Right…”  Jinyoung murmured, staring at the date on his phone.

_Friday, February 14 th._

His eyes surely weren’t deceiving him.

The party, the fight, the crash… were those all just a dream?

“Jinyoung!”  Jackson kicked his bathroom door open causing Jinyoung to choke on his toothpaste.  “Why the hell are you not even dressed yet?  I’ve been waiting forever!  You can’t be late on Valentine’s Day.”  His mom must’ve let him in.

“Sorry, I was feeling weird when I woke up,” Jinyoung washed his mouth out so he could speak properly.  “What happened last night?”

Jackson looked confused for a second but then he remembered.  “Oh!  Sorry, I didn’t reply to your messages, I was chatting with this girl I met at a party last week.  I promise I was going to reply!”  Jackson apologized.

“Reply?  No, I meant-“

“She was going on and on about how her cat had to go to the vet because it choked on a fur ball- it was so boring and kind of gross but she’s really hot so I tried to stick it out!  I wonder if she’s going to be at the party tonight- speaking of tonight, are you excited?”

“Tonight?”

“Yes!  That tall kid is having a party, remember?  You know him…”

“I…”   _Jackson really didn’t remember._   “I need to shower.”

“Forget the shower!  You’re clean enough, throw on some clothes and let’s go!”  Jackson pulled him out of the bathroom and shoved him into his room, locking the door and making sure he tapped his foot loudly so he knew he was on a time limit.

“Jinyoung, it’s cold out don’t forget to dress warm-“Jinyoung’s mom tried to say something but Jackson pulled him straight out the door before she even finished her sentence.

“What kind of nightmare did you have last night?  You look possessed.”  Jackson said as they both climbed into the car.  “Good luck trying to find a date tonight at the party, people are going to be running away.”

“It's nothing.”  Jinyoung lied.  Jackson gave up and decided to leave him alone.

“I can’t believe I’m single on Valentine’s Day...”  Bambam murmured as he slumped into the backseat.

“Bambam, you’re always going to be single if you don’t actually ask someone out,” Jackson said.  “Why don’t you ask out that guy in my science class?  The one with the green eyes.”

“He’s good looking, but the way he dresses? No thanks.”

“What about that girl in your gym class!  The one who always has her hair in a ponytail?”

“One of her eyes is lower than the other, I can’t stop staring at it when I talk to her.”

“Oh!  The guy in our math class, the one with the red hair?”

“They both have red hair, they would clash.”  Jinyoung spoke, this conversation sounding way too similar.

“Exactly!  Jinyoung knows what he’s talking about.”

Jackson threw both his hands up in the air.  “I give up!”

“Jackson be careful!”  Jinyoung pushed Jackson’s arm down.  “Don’t drive so carelessly.”

“Why are you suddenly so worried about my driving?  You know I’m the best driver out of all of us.”  Jackson said, shaking Jinyoung’s arm off.

“Sorry.”  He had moved on reflex, images of the night before flashed before him.  It felt way too real.

“This isn’t funny!  It wasn’t funny the first ten times either!”  Youngjae yelled into the closed window and they pulled up at his house.  “Open the door!”

Jackson and Bambam were practically keeling over with laughter.  “You gotta be faster than that Youngjae, the door was open.”  Jackson cracked the window open to tell Youngjae.

“I said open the door!  We’re going to be late!”

“What are the magic words?”  Bambam probed.

Youngjae sighed deeply.  “Bambam is the greatest person in the entire world and I’d happily worship the ground he walks on.”

Bambam clicked the door open.  “That’s better.”  Youngjae shoved Bambam hard against the seat when he got in.

“You’re so rude.”  Youngjae said, but then the three of them started laughing again.

“Do you guys have any plans for Valentine’s?”  Youngjae asked as they started driving again.  Bambam groaned, suddenly remembering he was single again.

“There's a party tonight, since we’re all single we should go and who knows, maybe we won’t be single by the end of the night.”  Jackson said.

“I’m only going if Youngjae agrees not to get so wasted he passes out and we literally have to drag him out to the car again.”  Bambam adds and Youngjae smacks him on the shoulder.

“That was only one time!”

“How about you Jinyoung, I heard Jaebum is going to be at the party.”  Jackson says, elbowing him.

“Huh?”  Jinyoung says, not in the right state of mine.

“Jaebum is going to be at the party tonight!  I know you broke up but he’s still pining over you.  If you play your cards right you could end senior year with a _bang_.”  Youngjae said, giving Jinyoung a smirk.

“Oh, y-yeah…”  Jinyoung stuttered.

“What’s up with him?”  Youngjae asked Jackson, noticing something was very off.

“He woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, you’re still up for the party, right?”  Jackson asked Jinyoung.

Jinyoung had an awful feeling his stomach, but he ignored it.

“Don’t worry, the party is still on.”

* * *

 

“Valentine-o-grams are here!” 

Jinyoung looked up to see the familiar girls carrying in baskets of roses into his history class.

He only realized today they were all wearing ridiculous ‘cupid’ costumes.

“Popular, aren’t we?”  The first girl said as she handed him four roses.

“T-Thanks,” Jinyoung laid them at the side of his desk as one of the other girls walked over to him.  “Wait, there’s one more for you!”  The girl laid the rose down on his table. 

_As the moon spins with the earth around the sun,_

_If we weren’t together, we would not be alive._

The same message was written, and he still had no idea who sent it, or why it gave him even more chills today.

Class ended and he walked into the hallway, still staring at that rose.  It was no different than any other rose sent to him, yet he couldn’t shake the feeling-

“Jinyoung, wait up!”  Jinyoung heard a voice calling out to him and he walked through the hallway.  “Jinyoung!!”

Jinyoung turned around right away.  “Party tonight at your house?”

“Yeah!  You going?”

“I’ll be there, I guess.” 

“Is…” Yugyeom started.  “Is that all?”

“Mhmm.”  Jinyoung said, before silently walking towards the lunch room.

* * *

 

“Look, here comes the crypt keeper.”  Jackson said, pointing to the lanky boy walking to a table with his lunch tray.

Mark glanced at them, his eyes half hidden between his hair but his dark eye bags still visible.

“Mark!  Did you get my rose?”  Jackson yelled. 

“Oh my _god_ , don’t tell me you sent him the same message again?” Youngjae said through giggles.

“ _Maybe next year, but probably not_.”  Jackson confirmed.  “Markie!  Did you get it or not?!”  Jackson yelled again.

“Stop trying, I’m pretty sure he’s mute or something.  Have you ever even heard him talk?”  Bambam added.

“Stop.”  Jinyoung said, his voice cold.

“You’re right, he’s never going to say anything back or react anyway.”  Jackson laughed and Jinyoung felt like someone poured cold water down his back.

“Jinyoung, did you get my rose?”  Jaebum’s voice chimed in exactly when Jinyoung expected it.

“I got it, I’m going to the party tonight, and I’m still not interested in getting back together.  Is that all?”

Jaebum looked shocked, he was at a loss for words.

“If you have nothing else to say, leave.”

Jaebum exited quickly after that.

“Jinyoung, I’m not sure if your new badass persona scaring me or turning me on.”  Jackson said, chuckling quietly.

Jinyoung didn’t laugh along with him and Jackson automatically stopped laughing, realizing Jinyoung wasn’t kidding at all.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m sorry, I just… do you feel like something weird is going on?  Like déjà vu?”

The entire table stared at him blankly.

“Nevermind.”  

* * *

 

The party was exactly like what Jinyoung remembered.  The sweaty bodies, the loud music, the imagery of the night before so clear in his mind.  He was sure this wasn’t a fluke, this was the exact same day.

He was trying to enjoy himself but no matter how much alcohol he consumed his mind kept wandering to memories of last night.  _The memories of tonight that had already happened._

“Jinyoooooung!”  Jaebum slurred as he tried to walk towards him, Jinyoung dodged out of the way before they collided.  “Whoooa, that was a close one.”

“Youngjae, I need to find Youngjae-“

“Yooooungjae!  I think I saw him on a couch.  Somewhere.”

Jinyoung practically jogged out of the kitchen towards the living room, knowing all too well how this night unfolds.

“Jinyoung, there you are!”  Jackson called out to him from the sofa where he was sitting with Bambam and Youngjae to one side. “I missed you.”  He said as he pulled Jinyoung onto his lap.

“Jackson, I’m tired.  We need to go home.”

“What’re you talking about, the party is just getting started!”  Jackson protested.  “Do you need more drinks?  Seriously, you’ve had a stick up your ass all day-“

“Jackson,” Bambam got their attention.  “Look who’s’ here.”

Jinyoung felt sick.  “Jackson, don’t-“

“What is he doing here?”  Jackson pushed Jinyoung off his lap and jumped off the couch.  “Hey, Markie!  Are you lost?  This is a party!  Shouldn’t you be lying under a rock somewhere?” 

Jinyoung was struck with a sense of wonder as he saw Mark.  He had realized in all his years of being friends with Jackson and swearing to hate him he had never taken the time really _look_ at Mark.

He was gorgeous. 

His features were striking under his long fringe.  If he cleaned up a bit he could pass for a model.

Mark walked with confidence up to Jackson, his eyes brighter than Jinyoung had ever seen.

The party goers took notice of the yelling, suddenly crowding around where Jackson and Mark finally met up. 

Jinyoung was paralyzed, his feet refusing to move.

“No response?  Typical.” 

_No, no, no, no, not again._

“Bastard…”  Mark muttered under his breath.

“What did you just call me?”  Jackson said, his face right up in Mark’s space now.

“I called you a _bastard_.”  Mark said, his voice stung like venom.

“I dare you to say that again,” Jackson said, his arms shoving Mark back lightly in threat.  “Say it again!”

“It’s no wonder your dad was never around, your mom’s a whore and she must be even more embarrassed that she gave birth to someone like you.”  Mark spat, no fear in his eyes.

Jinyoung swore he could _hear_ Jackson snap this time.

It happened in another blur, Jackson screaming ‘Fuck you! Don’t you fucking _dare_ talk about my mom!”  and his fist colliding with Mark’s face.

Mark grabbed a glass off the table and send it hurtling at Jackson, hitting his chest and dowsing him in alcohol.

Bambam and Youngjae were trying to hold Jackson back but he was too strong for them, his fists kept flying along with cuss words. 

Eventually, Mark had a bloody nose and his fists were too damaged for him to continue.

“Jinyoung, what are you doing?!  Come help!”  Bambam yelled, and Jinyoung’s feet finally moved, pulling Jackson off Mark.

“Jackson calm down, this isn’t worth it.”  Youngjae pleaded.

“You hurt him any further you’re going to be in deep shit!”  Bambam yelled, but Jackson was still raging, tears in his eyes.

Mark turned around and ran.  “You better fucking leave, I never want to see your fucking face ever again!”  Jackson yelled and Jinyoung clasped a hand over his mouth.

“Don’t do this Jackson,” Jinyoung choked out.  “ _Please_.”

* * *

 

The drive back home was eerily silent.  The only sounds that could be heard was the heavy rainfall against the windows and the tires slick against the wet road.  Jackson was gripping the steering wheel so tight he looked like he was going to break it.

“H-how about some music or something?”  Youngjae reached for the radio but Jinyoung slapped his hand away.

“Don’t.”  Jinyoung whispered to Youngjae.

Silence again.

The windshield wipers were barely working in this downpour and Jinyoung was practically shaking in his seat.  “Watch out!”

A truck veered past them way too close for comfort.  “Stop worrying Jinyoung, we’re okay.”

Jinyoung was breathing heavily as he pulled out his phone, staring at the time.

_12:38AM_

Youngjae had found some headphones.  Bambam was playing some games on his phone.  Jackson was still trying not to rip the steering wheel off the car.

Jinyoung was fixated on the road in front of them, not a single car in sight.  Nothing could possibly go wrong.  Nothing was going to happen today.  They were going to be _fine._

_12:39AM_

This time Jinyoung saw a flash of white before they went flying.

The car flipping over and over, his body being beaten up, shards of glass flying everywhere.

Then, darkness.


	3. Day Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of suicide

_6:38AM_

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung woke up shaken, his throat dry and his breaths heavy.

He immediately reached for his phone and checked the date.

_Friday, February 14 th._

_Valentine’s Day._

Jinyoung shoves his face into a pillow to stifle his screaming.

“Park Jinyoung!  Get out of bed this instant!” 

The memories kept flooding back.  Youngjae listening to music, Bambam on his phone, Jackson pissed off. 

Then the car flipping over and over, Jackson screaming as the car flew into the wooded area to the side of the road and then… nothing.

 “Jinyoung!”  His mom was standing at his bedroom door now.  “Why are you still in bed?  You have school!  I’ve been calling you for ten minutes.”  She nagged.

“I feel sick, I don’t think I can go to school today.”  Jinyoung faked a cough and he was sure his mom wasn’t buying it.  He thought his acting skills were pretty good but his mom had known him for long enough to see right through him.

“Jackson’s already downstairs.”  Jinyoung sees his phone flashing from the numerous messages Jackson had sent, he doesn’t need to check them for the third time.

“I really feel like I’m getting the flu or something, tell him to go on without me.”  Jinyoung was trying to channel the puppy dog eyes Jackson always used on him.

“Really, on Valentine’s day?  Did something happen?”

“ _No_ , mom, I’m sick.” 

“Did you fight with your friends?”

“ _Mom_.”

Jinyoung’s mom sighed so loudly her shoulders almost touched her ears as she shrugged.  “Alright, you can sleep for a little bit more and I’ll wake you up in an hour.  If you’re feeling better by then I’ll drive you to school so you don’t miss the whole day.”

Jinyoung was extremely thankful when she left because he needed to be left alone with his thoughts that were spiraling out of control faster than Jackson’s car the night before.

Of all things that were running through his mind the most prevalent thought was  _why me._

Was he cursed?  Did he do something so awful that he had been doomed to die repeatedly?  Who knows, maybe death was just having to relive your the day you die again and again for eternity.

He touched his face with his hands, feeling his skin under his fingers.  He was still alive, that was for certain.

That got him thinking, if he was still alive and he knew exactly how this day was going to play out, wasn’t there still a chance to change his fate?

For once, he was hopeful. 

He was not dead yet, and if he was alive he would find a way to stop himself from making the same mistakes.

* * *

 

Jinyoung’s mom dropped him off at school in time for second period (chemistry- he was positive the first time he wrote the in-class quiz he had gotten near perfect but after writing it for the third time he knew it was flawless) which was over in a breeze.  He found himself speed walking to the cafeteria to meet up with Jackson and the rest.

“Jinyoung, wait up!”  Jinyoung heard Yugyeom calling out to him and he walked through the hallway.  “Jinyoung!!”

Jinyoung turned around and was presented with a bouquet of flowers.

“You missed history class today, so I picked these up for you.”  He said.

Jinyoung took the five familiar roses, including the one with the cryptic message.

“Also, there’s a party at my house tonight!  Are you coming?”

“Sorry, I’m not feeling well.  I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.”

Yugyeom’s face fell.  “It’ll be fun-“

“I really don’t think I’ll be able to make it.”  Jinyoung cut in.

“Oh,” Yugyeom adjusted his bag strap, still frowning.  “That’s alright, but if you change your mind I’ll be happy to see you there.”

Yugyeom always towered over him but it was times like these you could really tell how much younger he was.  He was a brat and Jinyoung loved to pick on him but Jinyoung always had a soft spot for him somewhere deep in his heart.  “I wouldn’t bet on it, but thanks anyways Yugyeom.”

* * *

 

“What do you mean you can’t go out?”  Bambam asks, his fry already halfway to his mouth when he paused in shock.

“I don’t feel like it,” He hoped his friends would be easier to fool than his mom. “Why can’t we stay in?  We used to do that all the time.”

“That’s because we didn’t get invited to parties before.”  Youngjae adds.

“Speak for yourself.”  Jackson said.  Youngjae gave him a side eye in response.

 _This is harder than I thought._ “Listen, you know me and Jaebum broke up last week?  I heard he’s going to be there tonight and I really can’t stand to see him right now.”  Jinyoung spots Jaebum in the cafeteria food line, approximately five minutes until he unceremoniously walks over to their table and tries to engage in a conversation.

Jinyoung texts faster than he had ever texted before.

_jinyoung: we need to talk_

_jb: about what?_

_jinyoung: we’ll talk tonight at the party_

_jinyoung: as in don’t talk to me until then_

Jaebum looks back straight at Jinyoung.   _This isn’t working, he’s about to walk over here._

_jinyoung: just meet me at the party and you’ll find out exactly what I need to talk about ;)_

_jinyoung: thanks for the rose btw_

_jb: is that so?  I’ll see you tonight then ;)_

Jaebum smiles back at Jinyoung before making his way to his lunch table, leaving him unbothered. 

 _One bullet dodged._ “Jinyoung, are you paying attention?  Put your phone down.”  Bambam waves a fry at him to get his attention.

“It’s really personal, I hope you guys understand.”  Bambam and Youngjae still seem unconvinced.

“Don’t look so upset, I’m fine with staying in if that’s what Jinyoung wants.”   _Thank God for Jackson._ “We don’t need some boring party to have fun, we can all hang out at my house, play some video games, drink my mom’s liquor, it’ll be a good time.”

“We should have a sleepover, just like we used to!”  Youngjae was over the disappointment quickly.  “Don’t make that face Bambam, there will be other parties.”

Bambam pouts.  “Fine…”

“Look, here comes the crypt keeper.”  Jackson said, pointing at Mark walking into the cafeteria right on cue. 

His white oversized t-shirt swallowed him whole, making his tiny frame look even tinier. 

“Mark!  Did you get my rose?”  Jackson yelled. 

“Oh my  _god_ , don’t tell me you sent him the same message again?” Youngjae said through giggles.

“ _Maybe next year, but probably not_ ,” Jackson confirmed.  “Markie!  Did you get it or not?!”  Jackson yelled again.

“Stop trying, I’m pretty sure he’s mute or something.  Have you ever even heard him talk?”  Bambam added.

“Why do you hate Mark?”  The question escaped Jinyoung’s mouth before he could stop himself.

Youngjae almost choked on his soda.  “Are you serious?!” 

Jackson looks bewildered, not expecting the sudden accusation.  “I don’t _hate_  him”

“Yes, you do.  You’ve been harassing him since freshman year.”

“Don’t tell me you feel bad for him or something,” Bambam laughs.  “No sympathy for weirdos.”

“Jackson, you’ve known him since primary school, ri-“ Youngjae stops mid-sentence after a swift kick from Jackson under the table.

“Shut up and eat your lunch Youngjae, I’m gonna lose my appetite if we keep talking about that creep.”  Jackson looks away while shoving the last of his burger into his mouth.  The whole table knows this conversation is now over.

* * *

 

“Whose idea was it to watch a scary movie again, knowing very damn well we can barely watch real life crime mysteries without freaking ourselves out?”  Jackson was clutching his blanket against his chest, still shaking.

“Bambam said it was just a thriller, nothing s-super scary.”  Youngjae had tears in his eyes, clinging onto Jinyoung for dear life.

“Come on guys, it wasn’t that b-bad.”  The tremble in Bambam’s voice gave him away.  “It was rated five stars.”

“Alright guys the movie is over, let’s try to forget about it and move on.”  Jinyoung tries to pry Youngjae off him but fails.

“He’s right,” Jackson gets up and turns the radio on full blast.  “There’s still a lot of wine left!”

Bambam takes out his phone to check his social media, hoping that would be a worthy distraction.  “The party looks wild,” He turns his phone over them to show someone’s snapchat story.  “Isn’t this Jaebum puking on the couch?  What a mess.” 

“Gross, don’t show us that!”  Youngjae swats Bambam’s phone away. 

Jinyoung crawls over and pours himself another full glass of wine.  “Once a mess always a mess.”

Youngjae tries to stifle a yawn but Jinyoung catches him. 

“Maybe we should go to sleep, that movie really sucked the life out of me.”  Jinyoung says for Youngjae’s sake.

“The night is still young, I can keep partying until 4AM.”  Jackson busted out some dance moves and pulled Bambam up to join him.  He was reluctant at first but then he played along, the light buzz egging them on.

Jinyoung pulled out his phone, his nerves getting the better of him.

_12:37AM_

It was that time again, but surely nothing would happen tonight.  He played his cards right, they were all safely at home.

No rainy nights, no buzzed driving, no lonely roads.

_12:38AM_

Jackson and Bambam were dancing their worries away.  Youngjae had collapsed onto the floor behind Jinyoung, struggling to keep his eyes open. 

Nothing could go wrong.

_12:39AM_

Jinyoung squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fist out of instinct, bracing for impact.

He opened his eyes a moment later.

_12:40AM_

Jackson and Bambam are still dancing.  Youngjae is still passed out.  Jinyoung is still holding his glass of wine while sitting cross legged on the floor.

He could’ve cried right there and then.

“I love you guys… so much.”  He blurts out.

“Uhh,” Jackson stops dead in his tracks.  “I love you too Jinyoung?” 

“Yeah… love you too.”  Bambam agrees, confused by his sudden outbursts.

Youngjae snored.

“Time to sleep.”  Jinyoung declares, refusing to let his night end on anything but this happy note.

* * *

 

They’re woken up in the middle of the night by the house phone ringing.

“Ahh, let go of me!  Get it off me!”  Youngjae yells as he snaps awake.

“Calm down Youngjae, that was just a nightmare.”  Bambam pushed Youngjae back down from where he was asleep on the couch next to him.

“For fuck’s sake, can someone pick up the phone?”  Jackson groans.  “Who calls in the middle of the night?!”

Jinyoung heard footsteps upstairs, and then the phone stopped ringing.  Jackson’s mom must’ve woken up.

“Thank God.”  Jackson rolls back over under the covers.

“Who’s calling now?  It’s almost 2AM.”  Bambam’s face is lit up by his phone he grabbed from under his pillow.

Jinyoung clearly hears Jackson’s mom say, “Oh no, oh my god.”  Into the phone from outside.

“Jackson-“  Jinyoung is interrupted when Jackson’s mom burst into the room.

“Mom, what happened?”  Jackson is on his feet as soon and he sees his mom in distress.  “Who was that on the phone?”

“You guys, I-… I…”

Everyone is on their feet now.  Jackson’s mom looked shaken.

“What’s going on?  Tell us mom.”  Jackson urged.

“You all know Mark Tuan?”  Jinyoung wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but the mention of Mark was probably at the bottom of his list.

“Uh, yeah.”  Jackson’s face twisted as if just hearing his name left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Well, he-“ Jackson’s mom stopped for a moment, as if she were trying to put together the right words in her mind but was having a hard time.  “That was Ms. Hara on the phone.”

Jinyoung didn’t have any idea who that was, but Jackson’s face twitched as he heard the name.

“She lives in the apartment next to the Tuans, apparently the street has been swarmed by ambulances for the past half hour.”

“I don’t get it.”  Youngjae’s voice is barely a whisper, the sleepiness in his eyes replaced by anticipation and fear.

Jackson’s mom heaved a deep breath, clutching her arms to her chest.  “Mark Tuan is dead.  He killed himself tonight.”

Total silence. 

Nobody dared to speak, the sound of their own breathing thundered in Jinyoung’s ears.  He felt like his heart had stopped beating and he was falling deep into an abyss.  Falling and falling.  He would never hit the ground.

“How?”  Bambam choked out in a whisper.

“Ms. Hara heard a gunshot, she thought it was a firecracker or something.”

“He  _shot_ himself?” Jackson’s voice was the quietest Jinyoung had ever heard.

They all looked sick to their stomach, trying to digest this information the best they could.

Jinyoung kept picturing tiny and fragile Mark Tuan holding a gun in his hand and the image didn’t make sense.  Mark Tuan with the gorgeous features and the bright eyes holding a  _gun._

“Do you think…”  Youngjae was shaking harder than when he was watching the scary movie earlier.  “Do you think it was because of our rose?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Jackson snaps.  “It’s not like it was the first time we sent him that rose.”

“That makes it even worse.”  Bambam couldn’t take his eyes off the ground.

“At least we acknowledged him, most people treated him like he was invisible.”  Jackson’s fists were clenched.

“Still, on his last day…”  Youngjae trails off.

“He’s better off this way.” 

Everyone was now staring at Jackson, hardly comprehending the words that were coming out of his mouth.

“What?  Mark was miserable.  Mark found his escape.  What’s done is done.”  Jackson didn’t have an ounce of remorse in his words.

“God, Jackson.” Bambam sits back down, obviously hurt by his harshness.

“Maybe we should’ve been nicer to him.”  Youngjae sits down beside Bambam.

“Please,” Jackson’s voice is back to being loud and sharp.  “You can’t be mean to someone forever then feel bad for them when they die.”

“But I  _do_ feel bad.”  Youngjae looks like he’s on the verge of tears and usually, Jinyoung would be the first to comfort him but he was paralyzed.  He didn’t speak a word.  He was still in shock, falling deeper and deeper into a reality he didn’t want.

“Then you’re a hypocrite, and that’s worse than anything.”  Jackson gets up and shuts off the light.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have sleep to catch up on.”

A minute passes in silence before Bambam speaks.  “I’m going to go sleep upstairs.”  He picks up his pillow and blanket and leaves the living room.

“I’m going upstairs too.”  Youngjae says quickly, and picks up his stuff and runs after Bambam.

Jinyoung isn’t sure if Jackson is asleep or not, his breaths were soft but not drawn out.

Jackson has always had an overwhelming personality.  He was very outgoing and could make strangers his friends in under a minute with his jokes and charm.  Jinyoung loved him for that, but there’s always been this dominance in the way he carries himself.  Once his mind is set on a path or opinion there’s no deterring him.  It was either his way or the high way and anyone who didn’t follow him was wrong.

Jinyoung crawls out from under the covers, making sure Jackson was asleep before tiptoeing into the den.

Jackson’s mom loved taking pictures, she had shelves and shelves of huge photo albums and framed pictures living every inch of the house.  The den was where the most pictures were, all neatly lined up from newborn to Jackson’s teenage years.

Jinyoung never thought much of the pictures before, but he had to know.

After countless pictures of baby Jackson there were ones of him in school, preschool, kindergarten, and then grade one.  In that picture, he’s sitting in a sandbox next to a boy the same age as him, his eyes the brightest he had ever seen them.

He knew that had to be Mark.

Mark is in several pictures, stretching from primary through to middle school.  Playing together, eating together, they had to have been attached at the hip if Ms. Wang had so many pictures of them together.

Sometime around grade six Mark disappeared altogether from the pictures.

“What are you doing?”  Jinyoung almost jumps right out his skin when he hears Jackson’s voice.

“Don’t scare me like that.”  Jackson is draped in his blanket, he looks ghostly in the dim light.

“What are you doing with that?”  Jinyoung’s holding the picture frame in his hand, the one of Mark and Jackson in the sandbox.

“You guys were friends.”  It sounds like an accusation.  “You were friends for years.”

Jackson can’t meet Jinyoung’s eyes.  “It’s not my fault.  Mark is crazy, you know that.”

“Jackson-“

“His whole family is crazy.  I heard his mom is an alcoholic, his dad doesn’t love her.  They’re crazy.  He’s crazy.”  Jackson is rambling now, trying to find a way to justify himself.

“ _Was_.” 

“What?”

“He  _was_ crazy.”  Jinyoung rasped.  “He’s not anything anymore.”

Jackson didn’t respond, breathing deeply in and out instead.  Jinyoung heard a choked sob under his breath and Jackson ran away before Jinyoung could say anything, burying himself back into the mattress in the living room and hiding under the covers.

Jinyoung heard Jackson’s silent sobs all night, but he didn’t say anything more.

He fell back into a familiar darkness instead.


	4. Day Four

_6:38AM_

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung woke up in a sweat, staring at his phone beeping away on his bedside table.

_This is it._

_He was stuck._

Jinyoung picked up his phone and threw it as hard as he could. 

He could hear the screen crack as it hit the wall.

_Nothing mattered anymore._

_No matter what happened, he was doomed to repeat this stupid day._

Jinyoung was about to pull on his sweater over his tank top when he stopped, leaving it on his chair and going downstairs.

“Jinyoung, what are you wearing?  It’s freezing outside.”  Jinyoung’s mom yelled at him when he paraded downstairs in his outfit of the day.

Jinyoung always hated exposing his arms but _what the hell,_ today didn’t matter anyway.  He wanted to see everyone’s reactions.  He wanted to bend the rules.  _He didn’t care anymore._

“It’s Valentine’s Day, I thought I would wear something different.”

“Park Jinyoung, you better go back up upstairs and change this instant.  I’m not letting you freeze to death.”  The fact she added _to death_ at the end made Jinyoung burst out laughing.

“Whatever!  It’s actually my body and I’m allowed to wear whatever I want!”  Jinyoung yelled.  He would never even dare of talking to his mom like this before, even when she was annoying him.  It felt liberating.  “I’m off to school now!”  Jinyoung heard her try to walk towards him, screaming something else but he slammed the door in her face before she could get to him, running towards Jackson’s car.

 “Good morning sweetheart!”  Jackson yelled, blowing a kiss his way. 

Jinyoung ignored him and got into the passenger seat.

“Hey, you okay?”  Jackson asked as he slipped into the driver’s seat

“Just drive.”  Jinyoung spat.

Looking at Jackson made his blood boil.  This was all Jackson’s fault.  He was his best friend but he was an asshole.  _An asshole._ This whole time he played down his harmful opinions with his smiles and playfulness but deep down he didn’t care.  He made fun of people without having a proper reason, and Jinyoung followed his every word without thinking.

If anything, he should be the one being cursed to die again and again.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“Shut up.”  Jinyoung leaned against the window angled away from Jackson.

“What’s wrong?  Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or something?”

“For a few days now, yeah.”

They picked up Bambam first, the same stupid conversation happening again.

Youngjae was next, they locked him out again.

Jinyoung was silent.

“Did you forget your sleeves this morning?”  Youngjae asks Jinyoung despite sensing his bitter mood.

“No, I wore this on purpose.”  Jinyoung didn’t even feel bad for being mean to Youngjae.  He had really fallen off the deep end.

“What’s wrong with him?”  Bambam asks Jackson.

“He’s just grumpy today, did you forget there’s a party tonight?  That should get you excited.”

“Oh, the party!”  Youngjae taps Jinyoung on the shoulder excitedly.  “Jaebum is going, remember?  I know you guys broke up but if you play your cards right you could senior year with a-“

“Don’t say it.”  Jinyoung sneered.

“Jinyoung, seriously what the fuck is your problem?”  Jackson stepped on the brakes too suddenly, the car jolted, flinging them all forward.

“What the fuck is _my_ problem?” Jinyoung turned to look Jackson in the eyes for the first time that day, and he suddenly feels angry enough to punch the window right out of his car.  “You’re a shit driver, how did you even get a license?”

“What are you talking about?  You can’t even drive.”  The longer Jinyoung stares the angrier he gets.

Images of Jackson and Mark holding hands and having fun together flash through his mind.

Then images of Mark with a gun in his hand, ready to blow his brains out. 

“Do you really think you’re all that?  You let your popularity get to your head, and you think everyone is going to love you no matter what you do or say.  Guess what, being popular doesn’t give you any right to treat people like trash.  It’s too bad your head is so far up your ass you’ll never realize that.” 

Everyone was silent for a moment, he heard Bambam swallow hard in the back seat.

“Guys, don’t fight!  _Please._ ”  Youngjae pleads.

“Don’t act like you two don’t know,” Jinyoung faces Youngjae and Bambam now.  “You know he’s an asshole, go ahead and admit it.”

“Leave them out of it.”  The light turns green, but Jackson’s car stays still.

Youngjae is about to say something, but he stops himself.

“I knew it, you’re scared of him.”

“I told you to leave them alone-“ 

“ _I’m_ supposed to leave them alone?  You know what Jackson says about you behind your back?”  Jinyoung is so worked up, there was no stopping him now.  “You always say Bambam is so shallow and self-absorbed he’d be lucky if he found someone to hook up with, yet alone be in a relationship.”

Jackson grips the steering wheel harder, cars were honking at them to move but he wouldn’t budge.

“And Youngjae?  You say he’s an airhead and a borderline alcoholic.  What about that time you kept giving him shots when you knew very well he was over his limit and it could’ve been dangerous, just to see how much it would take for him to black out.”

Jinyoung knows he’s gone too far, but it doesn’t matter.

“Jinyoung… that’s not funny.”  Youngjae squeaks.

“Jinyoung…”  Bambam can’t even complete his sentence.

Jackson lunges at Jinyoung then and he’s sure he’s about to get hit, but instead, Jackson reaches for the car door and pushes it open.  “Out.”

“Jackson, it’s freezing.  You can’t make him walk-“  Youngjae tries to cut in.

“ _Out_.” Jackson repeats. 

People are staring at them now, the light turned red again and they never moved. 

Jinyoung looks to Youngjae and Bambam for any kind of support but they both look away.

Jackson leans in real close then. their noses almost brushing.

“I. Said.  Get.  Out.”  He whispers, poison dripping off his tongue.

So, he gets out.  Jackson drives away before Jinyoung could even close the door.

He’s left alone with all these people staring at him.

And he’s _freezing_.

* * *

 

 “Valentine-o-grams are here!”

Jinyoung barely makes it in time for History class.  He doesn’t know why he bothers to attend.

 “Popular, aren’t we?”  He takes his four roses and then calls the other girl over.

“That one is for me too.”

“Oh, how’d you know?”  She says as she gingerly places it on his desk with the other four.

Jinyoung stared at the five roses on his desk and realizes how stupid this whole tradition was.  Roses were not a sign of popularity.  There was nothing special about being popular.

He gets up and dumps all five roses in the trash can in the front of the room.

“Wow, you’re really a heartbreaker Jinyoung.”  His teacher told him.

Jinyoung just stands there, staring at the roses.  He remembers that message again.

_As the moon spins with the earth around the sun,_

_If we weren’t together, we would not be alive._

Chills.

“I need to go.” Jinyoung suddenly says, grabbing his bag and flooring it to the door.

“What?  Jinyoung you can’t leave without a reas-“  The door shut before Jinyoung could hear the rest.

The words kept repeating in his head.

_If we weren’t together, we would not be alive._

_If we weren’t together, we would not be alive._

_If we weren’t together, we would not be alive._

He hears Yugyeom calling out for him but he doesn’t turn back, he walks faster.

Who sent that rose?  _Who sent that rose?_

Jinyoung realizes he’s wandered off without realizing, the hallways completely empty.  He recognizes where he is- the art department.

This place was always deserted, as there were hardly enough students to make up one class that took art.  In first year, you had to choose between music and art and the teacher that taught beginner art was so ruthless everyone was discouraged and took music instead.

The art hallway had gained a reputation as being a place only ghosts hung out.

Jinyoung stopped walking and slumped against a wall.  He had no idea what he was doing and he had no idea what he should do.

He heard something move and jumped up from his spot and looked around.  The classrooms should’ve been empty, nobody was ever down here.

He scanned through the windows in the classroom doors before he spotted something, a skinny frame draped in white.  If he hadn’t have known better he would’ve believed it was a ghost, but he recognized Mark’s shirt very well by now.

He was sat in front of a canvas, a detailed drawing all painted in black.  He couldn’t tell what it was, but something about it made him feel mournful.

He didn’t think twice before pushing the door open and barging in.

“Huh?”  Mark jumps when he hears the door open, turning around and meeting eyes with Jinyoung.

It takes him a second to realize who he is, then he grabs his paintbrush and holds it above his head like he’s about to throw it.  “Woah, no need to do that.”

Jinyoung was elated.  Mark Tuan was standing right in front of him, flesh and bones, and very much alive.

He wanted to keep it this way.

“You… I know you.  You’re Jackson’s friend.”  His voice was quiet, but still threatening.

“Park Jinyoung, I’ not here to make fun of you, if that’s what you thought.”  Jinyoung silently reflected on his past, he hasn’t said anything as bad as Jackson but he can remember a few sour things he had said to Mark over the years.  He probably deserved that paintbrush to the face.

“What do you want?”  Mark lowered the paintbrush but was still gripping it in his fist.

“I was just… bored?”  Jinyoung didn’t have a plan but he was suddenly determined to do something.  “I’ve never been in the art room before.”

Mark stared for a bit, realizing there was no danger he sat back down on his still and faced his canvas again.  “It’s a shame, right?  All these art supplies and nobody to use them.”  His voice was hardly louder than a whisper.

Jinyoung picked up one of the stools from the side of the room and pulled it up next to where Mark was sitting.  “What are you painting?”  Jinyoung still couldn’t make it out.  All the harsh black lines gave the entire picture a dreary feel.

“I started out as a bridge… but now it’s kind of a building?  I’m not sure myself.  I’m not an amazing artist, it helps me keep calm.”  He painted thicker black strokes on the page.

“Oh, I thought your painting was nice.”

Mark put down his paintbrush and turned around.  “Why are you talking to me?  Aren’t you supposed to be pretending I don’t exist, or harassing me?”  Jinyoung felt a tinge of hurt.

“I’m not talking to Jackson right now, you don’t need to worry about that.  I just…”  Jinyoung stared at him again, directly at his face.  He was so captivating, he lost all his words.  He has never seen him up close, and he was so regretful he hadn’t.

“Jinyoung?”

“Are you okay?”  Jinyoung asked, sincerely. 

Mark looked bothered by the question.  It was vague but he seemed to know exactly what Jinyoung meant.  “I’m fine.”  He turned back to his canvas.

“Are you sure?”  Mark hadn’t picked his paintbrush back up.  He clenched the fabric of his jeans in his hands instead.

Mark didn’t get a chance to answer before the lunch bell rang.

“I need to go get lunch.”  Mark said as he got up and grabbed his bag to escape. 

Jinyoung remembered what would be waiting for Mark in the cafeteria and grabbed him by the arm.  “Wait!  Don’t go.”

Mark froze, unsure how to react.  “What do you want from me?”

“I…”  Jinyoung wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he needed to do something.  “Do you want to go out for lunch together?”

* * *

 

They ended up at a Chinese restaurant behind the school.  Jinyoung had never realized this was a restaurant- the windows were boarded up and there were vines growing up the walls.  He thought it was an abandoned building.  Mark assured him that this restaurant was owned by a family friend and there was nothing to worry about.

That didn’t make Jinyoung feel any more comfortable, as he picked at his bowl of fried rice with caution.  Meanwhile, Mark was scooping gelatinous goo he claimed was orange chicken into his mouth.  Jinyoung had no idea how someone so skinny could eat so much.

Mark had stayed quiet on their walk there, only speaking when it was necessary, but Jinyoung was determined to get into Mark’s mind.

“So,” Jinyoung took a spoonful rice, he wasn’t sure if the meat inside was Spam or pink coloured pieces of plastic.  “Tell me about yourself.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I asked first.”  Jinyoung wasn’t going to let him deflect the question that easily.

“There’s not much to say…”  Jinyoung was going to have to try harder.

“Do you have any hobbies?”

“Painting.” 

Jinyoung sighed.

“Answer my question now.” Mark finished up his chicken and started on a huge plate of noodles.

“I wanted to be friends.”

“With the ‘crypt keeper’?”  Jinyoung hated when they called him that.

Jinyoung had to find a way to make this work.  “I never thought ill of you.”

“Oh, I know.” 

That surprised Jinyoung.  “You knew?”

“If I really hated you, you would be back at school with a big black paintbrush mark on your face,”  Mark said calmly.  He really wasn’t afraid of him, or Jackson.   The way he initiated a fight… it wasn’t that he gained confidence.  He was holding back this entire time.  “You always look uncomfortable when they all make fun of me.”

Jinyoung wasn’t the type to so outwardly bully someone, he was always the one stopping them from going too far.  “I honestly don’t know why Jackson hates you.”

“Aren’t you his best friend?” 

“I was.”

Mark smiled somberly. “I know that feeling.”

“What happened between you two?”

Mark’s smile faded as quickly as it appeared.  “That's none of your business.”  Jinyoung shouldn’t have expected him to be sharing his secrets with a stranger.

“Anyways,” Jinyoung veered subjects before Mark got even more upset.  “I’m sorry for anything I’ve ever said or done.  You’re really…”  Jinyoung wanted to say _handsome_ , but that would be way too forward. “A nice guy.”

Mark started laughing, almost choking on his noodles.  “You’re really funny, one day you hate me and the next you want to be friends.  I still think there has to be a reason for this.”  Mark has the most unexpected piercing laugh, but Jinyoung loves it. 

“You admitted you don’t hate me though.” 

“Doesn’t mean I like you.” 

“Oh?”  Jinyoung feigned hurt, putting a hand on his chest and clutching his chest.  Mark laughed at that.

Once Mark was smiling conversation flowed more easily.  His quiet charm was easy for Jinyoung to vibe with.  He was so light compared to Jinyoung’s dark image of him.  He was even more cheerful than Jinyoung at times.

“We should go, lunch is almost over.” Mark said. Jinyoung had completely forgotten they were on a limited time, he was having so much fun.

It had started drizzling, making the air even colder.  Jinyoung clutched his arms against his chest, freezing again.  _Why did I wear this tank top again?  Rebellion is not worth it at all._

“Are you cold?”  Mark had pulled on a hoodie before they went outside, but now he was taking it off. 

“No, no!  It’s okay.”  Mark only had his long white t-shirt underneath.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a long walk.  You need this more than me.”  Mark pulled the hoodie over Jinyoung’s head, the fleece warming him up immediately.  He couldn’t refuse it even if he wanted to- it was way too comfy.

“Thank you.”  The sleeves were much too long, as they were on Mark, but he suited that look.  Jinyoung thought it looked silly on him.

“You look cute in that,” Mark said as Jinyoung fussed with the sleeves.  “You don’t normally wear things like this?  It’s- I mean.  I don’t normally pay attention to what you wear It’s just that I see you around with Jackson and the other two all the time and you always dress in those silly dress shirts and button up sweaters this is… ah.”  Mark realized he had revealed too much and cut himself off.  That was the most he had said at one time for the past hour.

Jinyoung covered his mouth with his sweater paw as he laughed.  “I could get used to this if it makes me look cute.”

“You look cute without it too.”  Jinyoung’s cheeks were warm, his body radiating heat in the cold weather.  Mark was looked like he wanted to say more, but he turned away and started walking instead, as if he were regretting his decisions.

They walked back to school in silence.  Mark was cold again, not only because he was wearing only a t-shirt.

“Mark, did you have any plans for tonight?”  Jinyoung asked just before they parted ways.

“I…”  Mark paused.  “I did have something-“

“Go out with me instead,”  Jinyoung said forcefully, not realizing how weird it sounded.  “I mean, not like _go out_ with me, just… out for dinner, or something?  We’re friends now.” 

Mark looked at him with confusion.  “I don’t think I can…” 

“Give me your phone number, text me if you change your mind.”  Jinyoung held out his phone, praying that Mark would take the bait.  “I know a good sushi restaurant, my family used to go there all the time.”

“I… like sashimi.”  Mark hesitantly put his number in Jinyoung’s phone and handed it back.

“Text me if you change your mind, alright?”  Mark nodded and walked away.  Jinyoung noticed how Mark clutched onto his back strap trying to steady himself. 

Jinyoung was going to make sure Mark stayed alive tonight.

* * *

 

Jinyoung walked into the same party for the third time and he felt sick.  The same sight of bodies sweating and dancing all around him.  He was suffocated, but he needed to find Mark.

The time went by Mark didn't text him, and he wouldn't answer his calls.  There could only be one explanation, and all the answers were here at this party.

Jinyoung carefully avoided the kitchen and Jaebum and marched into the living room where Jackson, Youngjae and Bambam had already found their spot on the couch. 

Jackson saw him first, he only rolled his eyes and went back to the lady he was in no hurry to shove off his lap.  Youngjae saw him second and ran over to him.

“Jinyoung!”  He stumbled a bit, his drink sloshing out of his cup when he stopped moving.  Jinyoung had to help steady him.  “You came.”

“Aren’t you guys mad at me?”

“Jackson is still upset, but he’ll get over it.”  Youngjae took his hand.  “Please, apologize to him.  Bambam and I aren’t upset…”  Youngjae looked so sad, it broke Jinyoung’s heart.  “We’ve been friends for so long now, you guys are all I have.”

He wanted so badly to tell Youngjae he was sorry and put their broken friendship back together, but right now that’s not what was important.

“Jackson,” Bambam’s voice came in right on cue.  “Look who’s here.”

Jinyoung shoved Youngjae aside so he could see Mark Tuan, walking into the living room straight towards Jackson.

Tonight, he was going to make sure this didn’t happen.

Jinyoung walked in and grabbed Mark by the arm, pulling him out of the room before Jackson had the chance to say anything. 

“What… Jinyoung?!”  Mark tried to get Jinyoung off him but he couldn’t break free.

“Don’t do this Mark,” Everyone was staring now.  Jinyoung kept pulling Mark along until he walked right into a body, standing in his way.

“What the hell are you doing?  That’s Mark, you know?  The weirdo.”  Jaebum’s slurred voice was the last thing he wanted to hear right now.

“Get out of my way.”  Jinyoung wasn’t holding on as tightly to Mark but Mark stayed by his side anyway.

“I didn’t see you at lunch today, what’s up with you?”  Jaebum looked him up and down, still in his outfit of the day.  “What are you wearing?  Why are you…”  He turned to Mark.  “Did you do this to him?  You corrupted him.”  Jaebum was drunk out of his mind he wasn’t making any sense, but Jinyoung’s blood was boiling.

“Don’t you dare talk to Mark like that.”  Nothing matters.  _Nothing mattered._

“I can talk however the fuck I like to anyone!  What are you going to do?”  Jinyoung shoved Jaebum’s hand, turning his cup upside down and sending alcohol flying at his face.  Jaebum stumbled backward, already way too wobbly on his feet.

_Wow, that felt kind of good._

Jinyoung slipped away with Mark while Jaebum was trying to figure out what happened, pulling them both into the bathroom and locking the door.

“Why are you doing this?”  Mark said when they both calmed down from the rush of running from the scene.

“You’re making a mistake.”

“How did you even know I was here?  How do you know-“

“Listen to me Mark, I know much more than I should but what’s important right now is that you realize you’re beautiful and important and you deserve the best life.  I care a lot about you.”

“You...”  Jinyoung steps closer, Mark was staring straight into his soul searching for an answer.

Jinyoung knew there was a very high possibility this day would fade away just like all the other days before.  He didn’t want to have any more regrets.

Jinyoung pressed his lips against Mark’s slow and steady at first in case Mark would freak out.

He didn’t.

He kissed back.  Jinyoung suddenly felt so stupid.  This entire time he had been so _stupid._

_12:38AM_

Jinyoung pulled Mark closer, wanting to make sure he was safe in his arms.

_12:39AM_

Jinyoung felt a rush from his head to his toes.  His body grounded, his feet firmly planted on the floor, and Mark’s tongue in his mouth.

_12:40AM_

Mark was still there, his arms wrapped as tightly around Jinyoung as Jinyoung’s arms were wrapped around Mark.

Mark separated from him for a second, wiping at his face.  “Are you crying?”

Jinyoung hadn’t even noticed the wetness dripping down his face.  “No, don’t worry.  It’s nothing.” Jinyoung pushed himself against Mark’s chest, no so discreetly wiping his face on Mark’s white shirt.

“Are you sure?”

Jinyoung looked up at him.  He was glowing, so handsome and at peace.  “I’m just happy you’re here.”

* * *

 

Jinyoung had lost track of time, the party sounded like it had died down.  He was still sitting with Mark in the locked bathroom, talking and hugging and kissing, _lots_ of kissing.  Yugyeom was probably going to bust the door down and kick them out of his house soon.  Jinyoung didn’t want to walk out while there were still so many people to judge them.

“Are you going to answer that?”  Mark’s hand grazed Jinyoung back pants pocket, where it had wandered during their current make out session. 

Jinyoung was thoroughly enjoying blocking out the real world, but it really was buzzing like crazy.

Jinyoung reluctantly took his hands off Mark and reached into his pocket, where he saw that he was being bombarded by messages from at least twenty different people.  He was wondering what could be so urgent until he saw the previews, sending him articles, asking him if he’s okay, and wondering where he was.

He clicked on the first one, the words. ‘Three Senior High School Students Dead After Massive Collison…”  He didn’t need to read anymore, he knew.

“Jinyoung, what happened?”

Jinyoung sighed, turning his phone off and tossing it into the bathroom sink.  “It’s nothing.”  Life was pointless, and nothing mattered.  There would always be tomorrow, and in Jinyoung’s case that tomorrow would be today.

Jinyoung pulled Mark back into his arms.

“Kiss me again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stream papillon/buy it on itunes! thanks!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBVLj_PSsZ8
> 
> oh- and to clarifiy. yes, jackson youngjae and bambam died in a car crash this chapter.


	5. Day Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was feeling so awful today i just sat down and wrote... surprise super early update lmao

_6:38AM_

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

Jinyoung stays put, lying in his bed.  Staring at the ceiling.

It felt like moments ago Mark was in his arms, and now he was waking up to emptiness.  Nothing had happened, his life erased again.

“Park Jinyoung!  Get out of bed this instant!” 

Jinyoung started crying, no more silent tears.   He lied in bed bawling because he was so lost.  He had no idea what to do.  His day could play out in endless possibilities but in the end, it would always end up with someone he loved dying.

“Jinyoung, g-“  Jinyoung’s mom stopped in her tracks once she saw the state Jinyoung was in.  “Oh my god, are you okay?”

Jinyoung just kept crying in response and his mom looked like she was at a loss.  He had always hated the fact that he and his mom weren’t close anymore.  He had become a teenager and naturally started wanting more time alone or with his friends, he didn’t mean to hurt her like this.  They were at the point they didn’t know how to act comfortable around each other.  The memories of him lying in his bed and his mom comforting him until he fell asleep after waking up from some nightmare were long gone.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to go to school today if you don’t want to- um,” She didn’t even to walk into his room.  “I’ll leave now, you can come down if you want to talk about anything, I’ll be here.”

If only Jinyoung knew getting rid of his mom and skipping school was _this_ easy.

He cried for a bit longer until his tear ducts gave up and he fell back asleep.

* * *

 

He had no idea what time it was when he woke up, nor did he care.

He checked his phone first, the screen pristine and undamaged.  Along with Jackson’s million messages ranging from ‘happy valentine’s <3’ to ‘where r u??” he had messages wishing him well from Youngjae and Bambam.

It was astonishing how the same day could change so drastically with the decision you make.  In some timeline Jackson is still mad at him, he’s still giving Jaebum a chance, Youngjae really did get alcohol poisoning, Bambam would finally ask someone out, and Mark… in some timeline Mark was _his._

Jinyoung saunters downstairs, surprised his mom was sitting on the couch, still in her pajamas.

“Mom, don’t you have work?”

“I called in sick, I have a lot of unused sick days anyway.”

“You didn’t need to do that…” 

“I find my only son crying in bed and you expect me to not be worried?”  Jinyoung felt awfully guilty.  He had no idea his mom was that upset.

He finally got a glimpse of the time then – two in the afternoon.  He hadn’t ever slept that long before.  Perhaps his exhaustion kept piling up every time he repeated the same day.  He plopped down on the sofa next to his mom, hating the awkward air that fell over them.

“Your dad is coming home early, he’ll be back tomorrow.”

Jinyoung’s dad often had to leave town for business, but he loved him a lot and always anticipated his return.  This is the first he was hearing of this.  “Really?”

“He wanted to surprise you, but since you were feeling down I thought the news would make you feel better.”  Jinyoung’s mom really loved him, despite how many times they had argued.  Jinyoung felt so guilty.  Just yesterday he was slamming a door in her face and wishing she would leave him alone.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry you’re sad.”

“It’s not that, I’m sorry for being me.  I know I’ve treated you awfully over the years and all this time you’ve still loved me the same…”

Jinyoung’s mom smiled at that, scooching over and pulling Jinyoung into her arms.  “You don’t need to apologize, we all go through times where we want to rebel.  I’ve never held it against you.”

Jinyoung had realized way too many things from reliving the same day over and over.  He could hardly remember what he was like before this mess.  “Mom?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”  This was something that had been bugging Jinyoung for a while now.  His actions, his thoughts, he regretted everything. 

“Why would you think that?”

“I’ve done so many awful things…”

“But were those your true intentions?”

Jinyoung thought about that for a while, did he hate himself for being mean to his mom?  Yes.  Did he feel uncomfortable bullying Mark?  Yes.  Even so, that doesn’t erase the fact he did all of it.  “I mean, of course not-“

“I remember when you were little, you used to cover the big ant hill in our back yard by propping up an umbrella next to it whenever it rained, so ‘the ants wouldn’t get wet and drown and die’ as you would put it.”  Jinyoung could barely remember that.

“So?”

“What it means is that you’ve always had good intentions, even though you’ve lost yourself a bit doesn’t mean your heart isn’t in the right place.  You’ve grown up but you’ll always be the same Jinyoung in my eyes.”  His mom was staring at him with such sincerity Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile.  “No bad decision is permanent; no situation is hopeless.  Life goes on and on and as long as you concede you’ve made a mistake- there’s always a way to fix things.”

“You know, I love you.”  Jinyoung pressed himself back into his mom, shamelessly cuddling.

“Of course, I know, as I said before, you’ll always be the same little Jinyoung in my eyes.”

* * *

 

Jinyoung had skipped school completely, dedicating the entire day to his mom.  They were at his favourite sushi place, the whole family used to go there a lot when he was younger.

After stuffing himself full of sashimi, he was about to chomp down on some red bean ice cream when he heard chanting.  An entire bus full of students had entered the restaurant.

“Tuan!  Tuan!  Tuan!  Tuan!!”

Jinyoung was initially shocked and confused, but when he turns around he catches a glimpse of what’s going on.  It’s was a middle school swim team, the star swimmer had ‘Tuan’ printed on his back and looked like a mini version of his brother.

Jinyoung got up immediately and walked over to their table, like he had something to say.

“Uh, Joey?  Some guy is standing behind you.”  One of the other swimmers nudged him and he stood right up.

“Um… did you need something?”  Joey looked frightened, probably the right reaction to a stranger suddenly appearing behind you.

“No, no, I just…”  Jinyoung smiles at him, trying to assure him he wasn’t a weirdo.  “You have an older brother, right?”

Joey’s eyes go wide, then he looks at the ground.  He must’ve thought Jinyoung was about to tease him or something.  There was no way he wouldn’t know about Mark’s reputation.  “Yeah, Mark Tuan.”

He must’ve been waiting for Jinyoung to start laughing or something, he looked so dejected.  “Yeah, I, um, know Mark.” 

“You do?”

“Well, kind of.”  The entire table of middle schoolers was staring at him now.  “He’s um- my lab partner.”  It was a safe answer- everyone took science.

Joey finally loosens up.  “Mark’s really good at chemistry, well, he’s really good at school in general.”  He smiles then.  “I’m Joey.”

“I’m Jinyoung.”

“I know who you are.”  Joey is staring at him like he’s holding a thousand secrets.

“Jinyoung, what are you doing?  Your ice cream is melting!”  His mom interrupts them and Jinyoung tries to remember why he walked over there in the first place.

Mark’s face flashes through his mind.  In this timeline Mark’s fate is uncertain.

“Tell Mark not to do it.”  Jinyoung blurts out before he’s realized what he said,

Joey wrinkles his forehead.  “Do what?”

“Our, uh, science project thing,”  Jinyoung says quickly.  “He’ll know what I’m talking about.”

“Okay.”  Jinyoung turns and starts to walk away, but Joey calls back to him.  “Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung spins back around.  Joey is still smiling, blissfully unaware of the scale of the situation.

“I’ll have to tell him tomorrow.  Mark is going out tonight!”

Jinyoung heart sinks then.  Right, Mark is going out tonight.  To Yugyeom’s party.  Looking for Jackson.  To be pushed and punched in the face.

“I’ll definitely tell him tomorrow though!”

Suddenly, the sashimi isn’t sitting so well in Jinyoung’s stomach.

* * *

 

The entire drive home Jinyoung is trying to forget about Mark, but he couldn’t help it.  Mark had taken over such a large portion of his mind _and_ heart he couldn’t forget about him for just one night.

He thinks of Mark all the way home, all evening, and even when he’s lying in bed, trying to sleep away this day. 

The thought of Mark dying without Jinyoung even trying to save him wasn’t something Jinyoung could process.

Jinyoung sneaked downstairs.  His mom slept like a log, so she wouldn’t hear the front door open and shut.  Jinyoung felt like he was breaking every rule possible doing this- Jackson sneaked out all the time and he probably never felt a shred of guilt.

He climbed into the front seat of his mom’s car and Jackson’s voice echoed in his head – _you can’t even drive._ That wasn’t exactly true, Jinyoung could drive and this car existed to be shared among the entire family, but he _hated_ driving.  He got his license and never wanted to touch another steering wheel again. He was way too cautious, every time a car zoomed past him he got heart palpitations.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.  He started the car up still wearing his pajamas, the time flashing on his dashboard.

_12:03AM_

He could make it if he drove fast.

Yugyeom’s house was in the most remote place of their neighborhood – up a hill deep in a forested area.  He had to wonder if Yugyeom’s parents were rich or wanted to spend the extra money to be completely secluded because they hated the rest of society.

Jinyoung had never driven this fast in his life.  The rain started pouring and Jinyoung wanted to cry he was so scared.  The hill was the worst part, he had to thank his dad the car had expensive tires that didn’t slide easily.

He doesn’t even bother pulling into Yugyeom’s driveway, he gets out and grabs a flashlight from the trunk and cuts through the forest instead.  He runs as fast as his feet could take him, sliding on the muddy parts and dodging trees.

It’s a longer walk than Jinyoung had calculated, but he finally hears the thrum of music and sees lights in the distance and he floors it.

He walks into the party, getting quite a few stares considering he’s soaking wet and still in his pajamas, but that doesn’t matter right now.  He runs to the living room, only to catch Jackson heaving and Youngjae and Bambam trying desperately to calm him down.

“Did you fucking hear that?  That _bastard,_ how dare he talk shit about my mother.”  Jackson pulled at Bambam.  “Let me go!  He’s dead!”

Jinyoung realizes then that he’s moments too late.

_Fuck._

He turns and runs down the hallway before his friend could see him, extremely thankful he didn’t run into Jaebum.

“Where did Mark Tuan go?”  He yells at a group of girls sipping beer.

They stare at him blankly.

“Guy with bruises on his face and arms, just ran down this hallway?”

The girls’ faces light up with realization.  “Bathroom.”  One of them points.

Jinyoung suddenly feels sick.  Bathrooms have pills.  Bathrooms have razors.  Mark wasn’t safe.

Jinyoung elbows his way through the crowd and tried to open the bathroom, but it was locked.

“Mark!?”  Jinyoung banged on the door.  “Mark!  Open the door!”  He put his ear to the door.

Silence.

It’s not supposed to go like this. _He was supposed to save Mark._

“Get Yugyeom.”  He turns to the same girls from before. He must’ve looked scary because all of them went running right away.

They arrive back with Yugyeom in tow in less than five minutes.  “Jinyoung, are you okay?”

“I need you to unlock the bathroom.”

“Why?”

“Mark is in there, please.  We can’t leave him in there alone.”  Jinyoung was desperate, and Yugyeom didn’t question him any further.

“Wait here, I’ll go get the key.”

The three minutes Yugyeom was gone for felt like hours.

Yugyeom finally unlocked the door and Jinyoung was so frightened.  What kind of scene was waiting for him?

He was bracing for the worst, but instead, when the door swung open he was greeted by a pristine bathroom.  Perfectly clean, perfectly normal, and perfectly empty.

The only thing out of place was the window that was wide open, the rain falling in and battering the tiles below.

“He went out the window.”  Yugyeom says at the same time Jinyoung thinks of it.

“Shit.”  Jinyoung is running back down the hallway then, ignoring Yugyeom’s yells.  He goes back outside and grabs his flashlight from where he left it on the front porch.

The bathroom window leads out the sloping side of the house, straight into the forested area.

Jinyoung shines his flashlight at the ground trying to find footprints, but the ground is wet and muddy, steps disappearing as soon as you make them.

He runs back into the forest then, going in the direction he thinks leads to the road, hoping to catch him trying to walk home.  That seemed like the most logical option for someone trying to escape. 

The rain is battering down on him harder than before.  His vision is a mess, constantly wiping the water out of his eyes so he didn’t walk into any trees.  He was so cold he thought his bones would freeze and shatter if he stayed out there for a moment longer.

He persevered though, he had to find Mark.  _He had to save him._

He’s moving faster now, desperation kicking in.  “Mark!”  He calls out into the darkness.  “Mark!  Mark!”

The rain is ice cold, it felt like daggers through his skin now.  He tries jogging to keep his body heat up, but his feet get stuck in the mud with every step.

“Mark!!”

He can’t feel his toes.  He has no idea where he’s going.  He could be running in circles for all he knows.

“Mark Tuan!”

He’s starting to get scared.  He turns around completely and started running the other way, feeling like this way was a dead end.  There’s nothing but dense trees around him and he’s getting dizzy.  He stumbles and the flashlight crashing to the ground, sputtering then shutting off, leaving him in complete darkness. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…”  Jinyoung falls on his knees, his pants completely soaked through.  He feels through the mud for his flashlight, but he knows it’s hopeless. 

When he’s about to give up and lie face down in the mud and cry he hears a loud noise and sees the faint outline of headlights through the trees.

He’s back on his feet then, running towards the road, knowing it was his only hope.

He finally breaks through the trees to the roadside and that’s when he sees Mark- huddled in a ball at the side of the road, his arms wrapped around his knees.  He looks like the tiniest human being alive.  Jinyoung is so shocked he almost forgets the reason he was out there was to find Mark.  “What are you doing?”

“What are you doing?”  He answers Jinyoung's question with the same question, his eyes dull and lifeless.

“I’m, um, looking for you actually.”  Mark doesn’t react at all.  “Aren’t you cold?”

He shakes his head, just barely.  Still staring at him with those lifeless eyes.

It throws Jinyoung off- it wasn’t what he was expecting.  He would’ve felt better if Mark felt something- sad, angry, grateful Jinyoung had found him- _anything_.  The fact that he was sitting there expressionless made Jinyoung feel uneasy.

“Listen, Mark-“ Jinyoung’s teeth are chattering so hard he can barely talk.  “It’s freezing out here, do you want to come over to my house and talk?  I know about what happened at the party and I really feel bad about it.”

Mark stares at Jinyoung for a long while before he answers.  “I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s only then Jinyoung realized that Mark doesn’t know him.  This Mark only remembered the Jinyoung that hung out with Jackson and liked to tease him. 

This Mark doesn’t know the Jinyoung that loves him.

“How about we go to your house?”  Jinyoung tries again.

Cars are zooming by on the wet road next to them, Mark didn’t talk until they passed by and the noise died down.  “Why are you doing this?”

“I-I want to help you.”

Mark stands up then.  “You hate me.”

The words cut deeper than Jinyoung would’ve liked, but what else was Mark to believe? 

Mark inches closer and closer to the road and Jinyoung’s heart is beating faster and faster.  “I don’t hate you.  I don’t _know_   you.  I’d like to change that- we can start over.  I know you don’t hate me, Mark, _please_.”

Another car zooms by and he can’t hear what Mark says.

“What?”

“You’re right, you don’t know me.”  Mark takes another step towards the road.

Jinyoung’s ears are ringing and he feels like his chest is about to explode.  “Maybe you should step away from the road.”

Someone’s calling him back in the forest, he knows it’s Yugyeom.  He can’t concentrate on that, he’s still staring at Mark who refuses to stop moving.

_12:38AM_

It’s not until he sees the familiar car driving up the road that Jinyoung comes to an eerie realization.

Mark turns to him and smiles, but it’s the saddest smile Jinyoung has ever seen.

“Maybe next time,” He says. “But probably not.”

“Mark!”  Jinyoung’s yell is lost in the sound of the rain coupled with the car going past.  He was frozen, he couldn’t even reach out and grab him.  It was too late.

_12:39AM_

It all happens so quickly.

Mark throws himself into the road- there’s screaming, a flash of white, then a sickening _crunch._

It’s not until Mark’s body flies sideways off the hood of Jackson’s car and lands face down on the road, and Jackson’s bright red Range Rover sails into the woods and explodes into a ball of smoke and fire that Jinyoung realizes he’s the one who’s screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all your comments and kudos, hope you have/had a fantastic day! never lose hope. <3


	6. Day Six

_6:38AM_

“Jinyoung, wake up, you’re going to be late!”

The constant buzzing and beeping of his phone is the most beautiful sound Jinyoung has ever heard.

Jinyoung wakes up and takes in his surroundings.  His wall was the same, his floor was the same, same phone, same bed, everything was fine.  _Nothing had happened._

Jinyoung was on a mission to save some lives, and he wasn’t going to fail this time.

“Good morning mom!”  He got ready in record time.

“Someone’s in a good mood today.  Is that Valentine’s day spirit?”  His mom called out to him from where she stood over the stove.

“No, just happy to see you.”  He went over and gave her a squeeze and a kiss on the cheek.  His mom looked at him like the real Jinyoung had been abducted by aliens last night and he had been replaced with a much nicer clone.  “Breakfast smells delicious.”

“You actually want some?”

“How could I turn down a home cooked meal from my mom?”  Jinyoung sat at the table, ready to eat and his mom looked the happiest he had seen her in a very long time.

He gobbled down the most delicious breakfast he had eaten in years and grabbed his gloves from the table.  “I have to run!”

“Alright!  Stay warm, love you!”

“Love you too mom!”  He blew her one more kiss before he walked outside and ran over to Jackson’s car.

 “Good morning sweetheart!”  Jackson yelled, blowing a kiss his way. 

“Morning!”  Jinyoung caught Jackson’s kiss and pressed it against his heart.

“You seem happy, did you actually find a last-minute date for Valentine’s?”  Jinyoung slipped into the passenger seat of Jackson’s car.

“Nope, still as single as ever.”

“Doesn’t matter if we’re both single, we’re going to celebrate our platonic love, right?”  Jackson was giving Jinyoung that cheesy smile he couldn’t bring himself to hate.  “Right?  You love me?”

Jinyoung smiled.  “Of course, I love you, Jackson.”  Jackson made some happy squeaky noises.

“Wang gae?”  He tried.

“Park gae.”  Jackson let out the most satisfied squeal before he started the car.

They dropped by Bambam’s house first, who was looking down as he slumped into the backseat muttering something like ‘I can’t believe I’m single on Valentine’s Day…’

“Bambam, why don’t you ask out that tall guy in my history class?”  Jinyoung turns around and pokes Bambam on the cheek.  “He’s like my son, and you’re also like my son, so maybe…”

“Wouldn’t that technically make us brothers?”

“Gross!”  Jackson yells at Jinyoung.  “Call the police!”

“I didn’t mean it like _that_.”  They knew he didn’t mean it like that, all of them bursting into laughter five seconds later.

“You said he was tall though, how tall are we talking?”  Bambam leans forward, intrigued.

Jackson couldn’t stop laughing at that comment.  “Wow Jinyoung, I think we’ve finally found a keeper for Bambam.”

“Shut up,” Bambam leans back and buckles his seatbelt even though they’ve been driving for a couple of minutes already- trying to give his hands something to do.  “At least I haven’t flirted with every girl in the school yet still haven’t managed to get into a serious relationship.”

“What do I always say?  I’m not looking to be serious, it’s all for fun!”  Jinyoung only realizes it then, but it is strange Jackson dates so many girls yet Jinyoung’s never seen them last more than a week.

They dropped by Youngjae’s house next, Bambam reached over and locked the door right before he could open it.  “This isn’t funny!  It wasn’t funny the first ten times either!”  Youngjae yelled into the closed window.  “Open the door!”

Jinyoung popped out of his seat and opened the door.

“Hey!  Jinyoung, that’s no fun!”  Bambam yelled.

“Let him live, next time I’m locking you outside and not letting you in until you admit you ate the chicken wings Jackson was saving for our sleepover back in ninth grade.”

“BAMBAM ATE MY CHICKEN WINGS?”  Jackson almost slams on the breaks he’s so shocked.  “I yelled at Youngjae and you didn’t say a word?!”

“It wasn’t me.”  Jinyoung knew it was him, but he lets it slide for now.  “Anyways…”  Bambam desperately tried to change the subject.

 “Do you guys have any plans for Valentine’s?”  Youngjae carries on without realizing he saved Bambam an earful.

“I heard there was a party tonight, since we’re all single we should go and who knows maybe we won’t be single by the end of the night.”

“I’m only going if Youngjae agrees not to get so wasted he passes out and we literally have to drag him out to the car again.”  Bambam adds and Youngjae smacks him on the shoulder.

“That was only one time!”

“How about you Jinyoung, I heard Jaebum is going to be at the party.”  Jackson says, elbowing him.

“In case you forgot, we broke up.”

“He’s still pining over you though,” Youngjae added.  “You don’t have to get back together but if you play your cards right you could end senior year with a _bang_.”

“I’m really not interested…”  Jinyoung stares at Youngjae for a moment.  “What about you, Youngjae?”

“What about me?”

“I’m not dating Jaebum anymore, you’re interested, right?”

Youngjae chokes on air.  “How did you…”

“Oh man, Choi Youngjae has the hots for Im Jaebum?”  Bambam elbows Youngjae who was currently dying of embarrassment.  “Isn’t that breaking friend code, dating someone’s ex?”

“I don’t really care.”  Jinyoung admits. Jaebum wasn’t an awful guy, but he never dated him because it was true love or anything.  He was popular, Jinyoung was popular, the whole school thought they would make the perfect couple.  The most talked about couple maybe, but a match made in heaven chemistry wise?  They were far from it.

“You’re going to have to watch that couple, they’re going to drink themselves into a coma if they’re not careful.  You know Jaebum likes his vodka!”

“Anyways, he’s still into you Jinyoung.  There’s no chance.”

“Don’t worry,” Jinyoung smiles.  “I have a feeling things will work themselves out.”

* * *

 

Jinyoung fakes a headache in chemistry and he’s ushered into the nurse’s office.

This what where they stored all the roses that were given out as Valentine-o-grams.  The room was covered with trays and trays of them, waiting to be handed out by a group of girls standing around in their ridiculous cupid costumes.

He scanned the trays, listed in alphabetical order, until he got to box _T_ , and found the single rose waiting to be handed to Mark Tuan.

He ripped the scrap of paper off the side where Jackson had scrawled, ‘ _Maybe next year, but probably not’_ in dark black ink.

“Um,” He looks back at the row of cupid girls behind him.  “Can you help me with something?”

They all stare at him. “What?”

“I need roses, lots of them.”

* * *

 

By the time Jinyoung leaves the nurse's office he’s feeling pumped.  He had dished out $40 and bought two dozen roses all the be sent to Mark Tuan from _his secret admirer._

How he wished he could see the look on Mark’s face when he received them.

Second period had just ended so he walked into the cafeteria, Jackson immediately waving him over when he caught his eye.  “Hurry up and get food!”

Jinyoung sits down and Youngjae launches into a story- he was waiting for them all to get there before he started.

“You guys are not going to believe this, in math class when we were getting our roses,” Jinyoung suddenly remembers Youngjae is in Mark’s math class and gets excited.  “Then one of the cupids came in and I swear she had three dozen roses.  All for Mark.  I’ve never seen so many roses.” Jinyoung is smiling to himself like a job well done until Bambam cuts in.

“Does he have a stalker?” 

“I don’t understand what happened to _our_ rose.”  Jackson looks disappointed.

“What did he do with them?”  Jinyoung interjects.

They all stare at him. “Do with what?”  Youngjae asks.

“The roses- did he throw them out?”

“Why do you care?”  Jackson sneers through a mouthful of fries.

“I just… _I don’t’ care_ …” They’re all staring at him blankly, waiting for an explanation.  “I think it’s nice?  Someone sent him all those roses… it’s nice.”

“He probably sent them to himself.”  Youngjae giggles.

Jinyoung loses his temper then.  “Why would you say that?”

Youngjae jerks back like he got hit.  “Why would you care?  It’s just _Mark_.”

“It’s a joke Jinyoung, calm down,” Jinyoung can’t calm down.  “Yesterday you said you wanted to avoid him in case he had rabies or something.”

Jinyoung feels completely awful then.  Yesterday – _six days ago_ \- felt like a world away.  He couldn’t relate to that Jinyoung anymore.

“Jinyoung’s right,” Jackson winks at him.  “It’s Valentine’s Day, you know?  A time of love and forgiveness, even for the weirdos of the world.”  He raises his juice box like it’s a glass of champagne.  “To Mark.”

Youngjae and Bambam raise their drinks in unison.  “To Mark.”

“Jinyoung?”  Jackson raises an eyebrow.  “Care to toast with us?”

Jinyoung slams his tray down and gets out of his seat then, walking out of the cafeteria.

“He didn’t throw them out, okay?”  Youngjae yells at him, but Jinyoung keeps walking.

“Hey, Jinyoung!”  That’s the last voice he wants to hear.  “Jinyoung wait up!”

He stops and turns to find Jaebum running after him. 

“Did you get my rose?”

“Actually, I skipped history class.”

“What?  You skipped?”

“Listen,” Jinyoung starts. “Can we talk later?”

“You have time to skip class but you don’t have time for me?”

“Jaebum…”  Jinyoung leans in closer.  “We’ll talk at the party tonight.”  Jinyoung has a plan.

“Jinyoung-“

“Please.”  Jinyoung was using one of Jackson’s trademark pouts and he could see Jaebum breaking.

“Alright, fine.  I’ll see you tonight.” 

* * *

 

The party is the same as always, crowded and gross, the stench of alcohol permeating the air.

Jinyoung was focused tonight though, ready to put his plan into action.

His first stop is the kitchen, where Jaebum drinking his senses away as per usual.

“Jinyoung!  You came.”  He runs over to Jinyoung who dodges his sloshing drink.  “I didn’t think you would show.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You were acting so weird today,” Jaebum was already too drunk.  “You going to apologize?  I can think of a way you can make it up to me.”

Jaebum’s practically undressing him with his eyes.  “Oh yeah?  I’d like that.”  Jinyoung acts like he’s interested.

“Yeah?”  Jaebum wraps his arm around him and Jinyoung tries not to lurch back out of his grip.

“I think we need some one-on-one time, don’t you?  We can work _everything_ out.”

“What were you thinking?”  Jaebum is practically drooling and Jinyoung wonders if he’s doing the right thing.

Jinyoung tiptoes so he can whisper in Jaebum’s ear.  “There’s a bedroom on this floor, Chris Brown poster on the door.  Go inside and wait for me, and I promise to give you the best apology ever.”

Jaebum’s eyes are bugging out of his head.  “Now?!”

“Now.”

He detaches himself from Jinyoung and stumbles down the hallway.  “You’ll be there soon, right?”

“Five minutes, promise!”

Next stop is the living room, where his best friends were already gathered on the couch.  “Youngjae!”

“Wow Jinyoung, you disappear for so long and you want Youngjae, not me?  I’m betrayed.”  Jackson pushes the girl off his lap and pulls Jinyoung on top of him anyway.  “I was worried you were upset after lunch.”

“What is it?”  Youngjae is slurring and he wonders if he’s going to regret this, but he says it anyway.

“There’s a room upstairs, Chris Brown poster on the door.  I uh… left my wallet up there, can you get it for me?” 

“Why do _I_ have to get it?”  Youngjae whines.

“Jinyoung is buuusy!”  Jackson pulls Jinyoung into his arm and squishes him.  He said it once and he’ll say it again, Jackson always unknowingly saves him at the most random times and he was thankful.

“Fine fine.”  Youngjae put his red solo cup down on the table and begrudgingly walked upstairs.  Hopefully, Jinyoung wouldn’t see Youngjae again for the rest of the night.

“Jackson,” Bambam got their attention.  “Look who’s here.”

That was Jinyoung’s cue to move, _fast._

He got up and grabbed Mark by the arm, pulling him along into the bathroom.  He shut the door and locked it, remembering when he did this two days ago for very different reasons.  Back then Mark looked confused and lost, today he looked cold and angry.  “What are you doing?”

“I came to talk to Jackson.”  Mark looks like he’s ready to punch someone, and now that Jackson wasn’t here Jinyoung was worried he would be the next best target.

“I know, he’s a _bastard,_ right?”

“How did you-“

“Listen, Mark-“ Jinyoung has to make his words count.  “I know Jackson- or any of us- haven’t been the nicest towards you, but we really feel bad about it- I do at least.” Jinyoung tries to gauge what Mark is thinking but he’s just staring at him, waiting for Jinyoung to finish.  “We never really meant anything by it, you know?  I don’t think he-we… we didn’t realize what we were doing was bad.  We didn’t know.”

Mark hasn’t moved at all and it was freaking Jinyoung out.

“You haven’t been the nicest towards me?

“I- yeah.  Sorry about that.”

Mark’s eyelids flutter.  “People have been putting shit in my locker, shoving me in hallways, pulling mean pranks on me, making up rumors, and genuinely have hated me for the past _nine_ years all because of Jackson, and you’re still trying to defend him?  Jackson, Youngjae, Bambam… they’ve all hurt me so many times.”

With every word Mark spoke Jinyoung felt like he got stabbed in the chest repeatedly.  “What I’m saying is, I want to apologize on their behalf.  We all did things we weren’t proud of- things are going to get better.”

Mark had his fists clenched, almost trembling against the bathroom door.

“I mean… you got those roses today, right?  A whole bunch of them?”

Mark shudders, instead of gratitude Jinyoung can feel Mark burning with hatred.

“I knew it was you guys.”  Mark’s voice was full of rage, Jinyoung had to take a step back because he was scared.  “What was that?  Another one of your little jokes?”

“What? No-“

“Poor Mark Tuan!  No friends, no roses.  Let’s screw with him _one last time_.”  Mark is practically hissing.

“I didn’t want to screw with you, it was supposed to be nice-“

“Did you want to remind me that I have nobody?  No friends?  No secret admirers?  ‘Maybe next year, but probably not,’ right?”

“I swear that wasn’t the point- I thought it would make you feel better!”  Jinyoung wants to sob.  Mark looks so angry with him.  It wasn’t supposed to go like this- he had a _plan._

“Make me feel better?” 

Jinyoung can’t believe it.  Those gorgeous eyes and handsome features, all twisted and contorted in the worst angry ways.  He wanted so badly to pull Mark into his arms and kiss the life out of him pretending everything was as it should be, but he couldn’t do that.  His friends messed up.  _He messed up._  

“You don’t know me.”  Those razor-sharp words pierce Jinyoung again.  “You never knew me, and you can’t make me better.  Nobody can make me better.”

Jinyoung’s expecting the worse, was he going to get hit?  Beat up?  Have things thrown at him?  Instead, Mark turns around and reaches for the door handle, pausing right before he turned the door open.

“You know, I used to be friends with Jackson,” Mark’s voice is eerily calm.  “We did everything together.  We hung out together, ate together, played together, he even got me a friendship bracelet.  We always wore them, always matching.”

Jinyoung wants to ask what happened, but he too scared to speak.  Mark continues anyway.

“That was right before Jackson’s dad left for good.” Mark looked over at Jinyoung, the lifeless gaze returning.  “Jackson was so sad all the time- we used to have sleepovers and he would lay down next to me and cry.  I had to hold him until he fell asleep.  Every. Single. Night.”

Jinyoung felt weak in the knees.  Part of him wanted to hear the story while the other half wanted him to get out of there.

“One night, we were both only ten years old, he turned to me and said ‘I like you, Mark.’”  Jinyoung didn’t know about this.  “I told him I liked him too but he said complained, said he _really_ liked me, loved me.”

“Wait-“ Jinyoung had to stop him there.  “Jackson likes girls, _only_ girls.”

“Is that what he tells you?  Guess he doesn’t trust you so much after all.”

“What are you talking about-even if he did like guys I wouldn’t care, nobody would care?  Why would he hide it if that was the case?”

“I was little confused back then, unaware of my own sexuality.  I freaked out when he told me, asked to go home, he must’ve felt humiliated and betrayed.”  Mark turned back towards the door.  “I only found out later that he was terrified of his mom finding out.”

Jinyoung swallowed hard, seeing where this story was going.

“The next day at school it had already started, people giving me weird looks and Jackson never talking to me again.  Pummeling my public image, trying to hold power over me because I knew his darkest secret.”

“All these years…”  Jinyoung took a shuddering breath.  “Why didn’t you ever say anything, tell his secret?”

“Jackson was my best friend, yknow?  He was so miserable at the time… I couldn’t do it.  I thought it would pass.”

“Mark-“

Mark nodded his head.  “It doesn’t matter anymore.”  Mark turned the handle and left in a rush before Jinyoung could do anything.

“Mark, wait!”

“What was that about?  You’ve been hogging the bathroom forever.”  Yugyeom pops out and Jinyoung’s still shaken.  “Jinyoung?”

“I-I can’t talk now.”  Jinyoung’s sinking again, trying to figure out what he needs to do- everyone is still alive.  He can still save everyone. 

He ran upstairs to where everyone’s stuff was sitting in a pile, pushing jackets out of the way until he found Jackson’s expensive leather jacket that probably shouldn’t have been dumped into the pile so carelessly.  He reached into the pocket and pulled out Jackson’s car keys- the word WANG hanging off the keychain encrusted in rhinestones.   If Jinyoung kept his keys there was no way his car could be on the road tonight.

Then Jinyoung pulled on his sweater and stepped out into the pouring rain, running down the driveway to where the road was.  He was cursing in his mind, thinking back on Mark’s words repeatedly.  Nine years.  He kept Jackson’s secret for _nine years_ , after being bullied for so long.  _He thought it would pass._

Jinyoung hated today.  Hated Valentine’s day.  He wouldn’t let this be Mark’s last day.  He wouldn’t let anger and hurt be the last thing he experienced.  He had to do something right.

He lets himself think about a different reality, where he never hated Mark.  Where he met him properly, and they got to know each other under better circumstances.  Jinyoung would’ve fallen in love with him so much sooner.  He would’ve been happy.  Mark would’ve been his.

He wipes the angry tears away, even though they were drowned out by the rain anyway.  He really needed to stop hurting himself more.  Don’t’ think about it, _you have to save Mark._

Every time a car zooms past Jinyoung his heart beats faster.  He’s terrified, but so far, he hasn’t seen Mark.  He’s relieved, perhaps he went home? 

Then, in the distance, he saw him.  Curled up in a familiar ball at the side of the road- Mark Tuan looking as lifeless as ever.

“Mark!”  Jinyoung is running as fast as he can.  “Mark!”  He doesn’t answer, instead, he stands up, staring at the road.  Jinyoung knows what happens next.

Mark tried to make a dash into the street but Jinyoung slams his body into him as hard as he can, sending them both flying into the pavement.  Jinyoung feels searing pain all down his shoulder and he’s sure he twisted something in his leg.

“What the hell are you doing?!”  Mark yells from underneath him.

“What am _I_ doing?”  They both sit up, and Jinyoung lets his anger out.  “What are _you_ doing?  Jumping in front of random trucks- I thought you were supposed to be confronting Jackson-“

“You don’t know anything!”  Mark is yelling at him again and he hates this feeling.  His heart kept dropping lower and lower.  He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

“But why…?”  Jinyoung didn’t understand.  The fight didn’t happen.  He didn’t get to confront Jackson.  “What’s the point?  Why did you come here?!”  Jinyoung was pleading at this point.

“I’m not afraid anymore.  I wanted to speak my mind, but it doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m not even afraid of-” Jinyoung completed Mark’s words in his mind.

_I’m not even afraid of dying._

“This isn’t the way…”  Jinyoung says weakly.  The rain had poured down on him for too long, he felt wet, cold and useless.  His brain was shutting down.  He thought he had everything figured out but he didn’t know anything. 

“Please,”  Mark says quietly.  “I want to be alone.”

“What about your family?”  Jinyoung’s losing him.  He’s losing Mark again.  “What about your brother?”

Jinyoung hears the telltale sound of engines in the distance, two trucks heading straight their way.

“Mark, I can’t let you do this.  Not tonight, not ever.”  He takes a step forward and grabs Mark’s arm tightly.

Mark turns and looks straight through him then, his eyes so lifeless but this time there was something else. 

Genuine sadness.

Jinyoung is so startled his grip loosens and the next thing he sees is Mark flying through the air after being hit by the truck passing by.  Sailing and sailing, his white shirt contrasting against the dark sky.

Then he hits the ground, and Jinyoung almost loses his voice screaming.

* * *

 

A half an hour later Jinyoung’s parked in his driveway, sitting in Jackson’s car, watching the raindrops slowly ease up until the night sky is clear.  They already dropped Youngjae and Bambam off at their homes in eerie silence.

“Jeez, what a night.”  Jackson is leaning against the window of his car.  “I know Mark was a little off but I didn’t think he would ever… y’know?  And you were _there_.” 

Right after the accident, the police had come.  They asked Jinyoung so many questions but he couldn’t bring himself to talk.  _Did he say anything?  Did he give a reason?  Why did he do this?_

“He really didn’t say anything?”  It takes a moment for Jinyoung to realize it’s Jackson who’s’ talking to him.

“He didn’t say anything.”  Jinyoung lied.

“That’s too bad, guess we’ll never know what happened.” 

Jinyoung reaches for the car door.  “Thanks for dropping me off.”

Jinyoung is about to step out when he sees Jackson looking extremely nervous.  “No problem.”

“Jackson?”

“What?”

“Remember when you told me never to mention the fact that I liked guys to your mom?”

Jackson stares at him, his eyes sunken into his face.

“Why did you want so badly to hide me?”

“I wasn’t trying to hide you- I love and respect you Jinyoung, It’s just…”

Jackson is trembling.  All the years he had known Jackson he had been proud and strong, fearless even.  Jinyoung realized then that was never the case.  Jackson was terrified people will see through him.  He was terrified of disappointing his mom to the point he would push away anyone and everyone to make sure he kept her happy.  He would even push away his own feelings.  He was so terrified he was living a lie.

“Mark told me- about the last night you two spent together.  He told me what you said-“

“And you believed him?”

Jinyoung ignored him.  “Why did you have to start rumors?  Why did you have to make everyone hate him?  I thought you…”

“I never liked him, he’s lying.  He’s always _lying_.”

Jinyoung is frightened by the unexpected manic tone Jackson’s voice takes.  “Jackson, it’s okay-“

“I don’t like guys, I only like girls.  Don’t let anyone... don’t ever…”  Jackson was shaking even harder than before.  “I can’t…”

Jinyoung had never seen Jackson like this and he didn’t know how to react.

Jackson clenched and unclenched his fist.  “I always thought it wouldn’t last.  All these years- I thought he would tell someone eventually and stick up for himself.”  Jackson’s voice breaks.  “He just took it- _why_?”

Jinyoung almost wants to get back into the car and do something- but he can’t.  His body won’t move.

“Jinyoung?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry… about everything.”

Jinyoung catches himself before he says _it’s okay_.

“Your mom would still love you, Jacks.”

“What?”

“I know your mom would love you no matter what, so stop worrying so much.”  Jinyoung knows Jackson can read between the lines of what he’s saying. 

Jackson is sniffling, trying to hold back his tears.  That’s another thing Jackson always tried to hide- he cried very easily.  “T-thanks..”

Jinyoung shut the car door but calls back through the open window.  “Park gae?”

Jackson finally stops shaking, a sad smile forming on his face.

“Wang gae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments & kudos and I hope you have/had a wonderful day!!


	7. Day Seven

For once, Jinyoung is calm.

This past week he’s been looking for an answer, why was he doomed to live the same day repeatedly?  Why is it no matter what he did, how he changed his fate, he would always end up losing someone he loved?

He read an article once, the slightest change and suddenly the entire world takes a different path.  A bird flaps its wings in Brazil and it causes a rainstorm in New York, a dog barks in Ireland and there’s a typhoon in Japan.

Jinyoung was going to continue to repeat the same day over and over until he came to one solution, and he knew now exactly what that solution was.

He had been trying to save everyone, but if life’s path took its normal course that would never happen.

Not everyone had to be saved.

* * *

 

That morning, Jinyoung wakes up extra early and enjoys breakfast with his mom, and tells her he loves her one last time. 

Jackson’s waiting for him outside, already blowing kisses his way.  He remembered the first time he met Jackson- he _hated_ him.  Completely annoying, would never leave Jinyoung alone.

It took Jackson an entire summer at camp to finally wear Jinyoung down.  One of the other boys were making fun of him for the way he dressed, and his ample collection of books he read while everyone else was playing around outside.  Jackson pulled them aside and told them they probably wished they were as smart as Jinyoung while still being so good looking.

They were only 12 years old but Jinyoung believed that Jackson was the only person who gave a shit about him at that point in his life.  They changed a lot over the years- for better or worse- but he would never regret becoming Jackson’s best friend.  Not for a moment.  He made him the happiest person in the world when everyone else was against him.

Jackson made him feel like he was worth being treated with respect for the first time in his life. 

Bambam slumped into the backseat of Jackson’s car, complaining about being single, as usual. 

Jackson teased him a lot- but he really loved Bambam.

When they met him, he was a real rebel- changing his hair colour every week (now he kept the same colour for at least a month or two).  Jinyoung was jealous at first, he was handsome and held himself in such high regard.  Jinyoung would never have that kind of confidence. 

Bambam was secretly vulnerable.  That time one of the upperclassmen made fun of his skin colour, saying he was dark as night and Bambam said he didn’t care but Jinyoung found him crying in the bathroom after class and held him in his arms until he stopped.  He looked so tiny then- Jinyoung swore he would protect him with his life.  (And of course, once Jackson found out he beat the shit out of the seniors despite being two years younger.)

Youngjae banged on the car window again, begging to be let in.

They had met Youngjae at a party, passed out on a couch in the living room.  Nobody was willing to help him, so Jackson decided to lug him into their car and take him to his house.  Honestly, it had been a joke at first but he woke up in the middle of the night and starting sobbing over how he thought he had been kidnapped and even Jackson felt bad.

Jinyoung ended up hugging him and telling him he was fine until he got up the courage to call his parents and tell them what happened- the three of them helping him make up a story about how the party was a sleepover and he forgot to tell them.

Youngjae was the sweetest person Jinyoung had ever met, and he wondered what would’ve happened to him if he never got tied up into their crowd.  He could probably create world peace with his smile alone.  Jinyoung always felt like he had to protect him and shield him from the bad things of the world, despite him being a fully capable person himself. 

Youngjae was the peacemaker, Bambam was the negotiator, Jackson was the leader, and Jinyoung was the glue that held them all together. 

Jinyoung couldn’t ask for a better group of friends.

“You guys are the best.” 

“Jinyoung’s extra soft today, did you have marshmallows for breakfast?”  Jackson jokes, shoving him lightly.

“No, I just really love you guys, okay?”

“I love you too darling.”  Jackson coos.

“Our mom, of course, we love you!”  Youngjae agrees.

“You’re alright,” Bambam says, earning a ‘hey!’ from Jackson.  “I mean, I love you too.”

Jinyoung smiles as he leans against the window of Jackson’s car.

* * *

 

Jinyoung heads straight to the cafeteria after making several changes to the roses in the nurse’s office.

“Park Jinyoung!  Why are you late for lunch, did you see Jaebum on the way here?”  Jackson teases as he sits down with his tray of unhealthy cafeteria food.

“Nope, Jaebum is right here actually.”   _3,2,1._

“Uh,” That’s not what he’s expecting to be the first thing out of Jaebum’s mouth.  “Hi, Jinyoung.”

“Hey.” Jaebum is holding a rose in his hand.

Jaebum is staring at Jinyoung like he’s conflicted.

“Nice rose.”  Jinyoung says, trying to urge Jaebum to speak.

“Uh, yeah…”  His eyes land on Youngjae who almost chokes on his juice. “You’re Choi Youngjae, right?”

“Yes?”  Youngjae curses at himself for letting that sound like a question.  “I mean, Yes, I am.”  He says more confidently.

Jaebum looks down at Jinyoung again, like he’s looking for something.  Jinyoung nods for him to go ahead.

“You sent me this rose?” 

Youngjae looks confused, probably because he’s sure he didn’t write his name on the rose he sent to Jaebum.  Jinyoung fixed that little detail for him.  “I… how did you- I- yes.”

Jaebum never liked Jinyoung beyond his popularity and looks- and he’s probably looking at Youngjae as his chance to not be single on Valentine’s day.  Jinyoung knows though, Youngjae is exactly the person to pull out something deeper in Jaebum, whether it starts as nothing more a shallow meeting.

“Are you going to the party tonight?”  Jaebum asks, shaking off any sort of apprehension and flashing his trademark smirk.  Jinyoung could’ve sworn he saw Youngjae melt in his seat.

“Yes!”

“I’ll see you there then, Choi Youngjae.”  Jaebum walked away then and Youngjae started freaking out.

“Oh my god, Jinyoung?  I- that was your- I can explain?”

“It’s fine,” Jinyoung already knew.  “We broke up.  He’s all yours.”

“Hottest guy in the school asked me out, somebody pinch me.”  Bambam pinches him.  “Ow!  Oh god, this is real!”

“Five bucks Youngjae gets so wasted he can’t even remember Jaebum’s name tonight.”  Jackson reaches into his pocket like he’s about to pull out the money.

“I’ll take that bet, five bucks Jaebum gets wasted and forgets Youngjae’s name first.”  Bambam chimes in and Youngjae throws his fries at him.

“Shut up!  Maybe, I’ll stay sober tonight.”  The entire table can’t help but break out laughing at that, even Youngjae breaks into laughter after pouting for a moment.

Everyone was too busy focusing on Youngjae’s gushing they don’t notice Mark walking through the cafeteria, a single rose sitting in the empty water bottle attached to his backpack.

For the first time, Mark doesn’t look lifeless as he walks to his table.  He has a pep in his step and his eyes are  _bright._

Jinyoung can see the note hanging off Mark’s rose from where he’s sitting.

_You’re the brightest star in my sky._

_It’s never too late._

* * *

 

“Have you ever seen me drunk? I can drive fine.”  Jackson is reluctant to hand over the keys to his precious car when they pull up to Yugyeom’s.

“Yeah sure, you can barely driver sober,”  Jinyoung says as he snatched the keys out of his hands.  “I’m going to drive the car back to your house, it’ll be quick.”

“Any reason you’re being so anal today?”  Jackson asks as Youngjae is still trying to stop laughing from Jinyoung’s earlier comment on Jackson’s driving.

“Just want to make sure my friends find a safe way home.”  Jinyoung smiles cheekily.  “Go in!  The party started already!”  Youngjae doesn’t need any more coercing before he pulls Bambam by the arm and heads in.

Jackson is still standing outside, staring at him.  “Jinyoung…”

“Yes?”  Jackson has a look on his face that Jinyoung’s never seen before. 

“Ah, it’s nothing.”  Jackson is about to leave but Jinyoung stops him.

“Wait, Jackson.”  Jinyoung pulls him back. 

“Change your mind?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about your dad?”

Jackson’s face twists for a split second before he laughs it off like the words didn’t hit him deep.  “That was a million years ago, who cares.”  Jackson was being Jackson, brushing off everything like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Jackson,” Jinyoung’s voice is so serious Jackson stops laughing.  “You don’t have to be strong and try to handle everything by yourself.  You have friends who care a lot about you and it’s okay to be weak sometimes.  Bottling everything up isn’t healthy.”

Jackson opens his mouth to respond but he closes it again and smiles instead.  “What would I do without you, Park Jinyoung?  I’d be a mess!  Truly, my guiding light!”  Jackson covered his eyes like he was being blinded by the shine.

“Seriously…”  Jinyoung laughed before he wrapped his arms around Jackson one last time.  “You’re ridiculous, but I love you.”

“My love!”  Jackson hugs him back tight, before letting Jinyoung drive off with his car.

As soon as Jinyoung parks the car back in Jackson’s driveway- eliminating any possibility of him driving his car that night- he calls Yugyeom and forces him to pick him up and drive him back to his own house for the party.

“I just got my license and you’re making me work.”  Yugyeom lets Jinyoung in the front seat of his parent’s car.

“I can drive back if you want.”  Jinyoung offers.

“Do you think I’m not capable?”  Yugyeom must think Jinyoung is teasing him, but he’s not.

“Not at all, go ahead.”  Yugyeom starts the car.

“You know Yugyeom, you’re a really amazing person.  Coolest dancer, genuinely nice, I really admire you.”

Yugyeom almost stops the car then.  “Who are you and what did you do with Jinyoung?”

“I was just being nice-“

“You’re never nice to me.”

“That’s not… true.”  Jinyoung can’t recall the last time he talked to Yugyeom without teasing him.  “You know I still adore you.”

“Sure, whatever mom.”

“Brat.”  Yugyeom sticks out his tongue in response to Jinyoung.

“Eyes on the road.” Jinyoung chides.

They arrive back at Yugyeom’s house relatively quickly.  “Oh,” Yugyeom is about to get back to the party.  “If you see a guy with bright red hair, talk to him.  I think you’d be good friends.”

“Huh?  Why?”

“You’re both brats.”  Jinyoung shot one last finger gun his way before Yugyeom blew him off.

* * *

 

“You made it!”  Jackson practically tackles Jinyoung at the door.  “I thought you’d flake.”

“I knew you’d be here.”  Bambam chimes in from the side.

“Where’s Jaebum and Youngjae?”  Jackson snorts.

“Last time I checked they were already drunk and making out on the sofa in the living room.”  Jinyoung checks it off in his mind that he won’t need to worry about them for the rest of the night.  “Bam, get Jinyoung a shot!  The party has officially started!”

“No thanks,” Jinyoung waves away the bottle Bambam is waving at his face and checks his phone.  Eleven thirty.  “Actually, I’m kind of hot.  I think I’ll go stand outside for a bit.”

Jackson and Bambam exchange a glance.

“You just came from outside,” Jackson has his hands on Jinyoung’s shoulders as he talks to him.  “You literally just got here.”

“I was looking around for you guys for a while-“

“Nuh-uh, that’s not it.  You’ve been acting a little weird today.”  Jackson refuses to let go of his shoulders.

“Who’s been acting weird?”  Youngjae stumbles over out of nowhere.

“What happened to Jaebum and why is your tongue no longer in his mouth?”  Bambam leans up against Youngjae’s side so he stops swerving.

“Hmm, he said something about grabbing more drinks and I’m pretty sure I said ‘sure’.  Then he left.  Then I saw you guys so I decided hey!  Those are my best friends.  I should say hi.  Now I’m here.”  They were all experts in deciphering Youngjae’s drunken rambles by now.  “You have been acting weird Jinyoungie.”

“I’m fine- okay?”  Jinyoung’s desperate to prevent a long conversation – or worse, a fight.  “It’s been a long week.”   _That was an understatement._

“We’re worried about you Jinyoung,” Jackson says.  “You’re not acting like yourself.” 

“Maybe that’s a good thing.”  Jinyoung pulls them all together for a hug before they could respond.

“Ah, what are you doing?  You’re going to mess up my hair!”  Bambam wiggles around but Jinyoung holds him to tightest against him.

Youngjae giggles and practically drapes himself on top of the others.  “Wow, this is cute!”

“I promise nothing’s wrong with me,” Jinyoung says.  “Friends forever, right?”

“Since when were you such a cheeseball?”  Jackson says, despite pulling Jinyoung closer to him.

“Yeah, friends forever!”  Youngjae is hollering and Bambam looks embarrassed out of his mind.

“Bam?” Jinyoung asks and Bambam finally gives in.

“I’d be nothing without you guys, I guess.”  They finally pull away, smiles all around.

“Alright!  Enough with the mushy crap!”  Jackson has both hands in the air reaching out for the bottle of alcohol Bambam had earlier.  “I, for one, came to get drunk.”

“I thought you don’t get drunk.”  Bambam says.

“Figure of speech.”

Jackson and Bambam are bickering again, Youngjae spots Jaebum and wanders back over into his lap, and Jinyoung is glad the attention is off him.

“See you later!”  Jinyoung says to nobody in particular.

Jackson gives him a half wave, Bambam nods, and Youngjae doesn’t even hear him. 

Jinyoung turns away from them one last time and he notices his eyes getting blurry.  He wipes away at the tears before they fall and checks his phone.  Eleven forty-five.

Jinyoung stakes out a place by the door, waiting until a familiar person would walk through those doors.

The swarms of people only grew bigger and everyone got clumsier and wasted while Jinyoung stood still.

Finally, Mark Tuan slips through the back door and they immediately make eye contact.  “Hey, can I talk to you?”

Mark opens his mouth then shuts it then opens it again.  “I, um, actually have somewhere I need to be.”

“No, you don’t,” In one swift movement, Jinyoung guides him back towards the door, away from the crowds of people.  “Weren’t you looking for me anyway?  For  _us_?”

“How did you- I’m not here for  _you_.”

“I know.”  Mark is staring anywhere but at Jinyoung.  “I know it’s bigger than that.”

“You don’t know anything.”

“I know what you have planned for tonight,”  Jinyoung says.  “I know what you have to say to Jackson.”

“He’s a… bastard…”  Mark whispers, so quietly Jinyoung almost doesn’t catch it. 

“I know.”  Mark looks so helpless then, shaking slightly.  Mark takes a step back and Jinyoung takes a step forward.

“Mark.”  Jinyoung reaches out his hand.  “I’m serious, I’m trying to tell you how sorry we are.”

“I have to go.” 

Mark tries to break away but Jinyoung shuffles around so they’re facing each other again.  “We’re sorry.”  Jinyoung tries again.

“Please, just  _leave me alone_.”

“No, I have to come with you.”

Mark’s voice is trembling now.  “You don’t-“

“Jinyoung!”  Yugyeom’s voice breaks his concentration and before he knows it Mark darts away from him right out the back door.

“No, Mark!”  Yugyeom’s voice is lost and Jinyoung is running straight out the door after Mark.  The rain is pouring down and he’s sliding with every step, but he refuses to let the white blur of Mark out of his sight.

Jinyoung keeps running, it’s so dark without his flashlight and he’s desperate to keep following.

Images are flashing through his head from the past week.  The Mark that was tormented and bullied, the Mark that was angry and full of hate, the Mark that looks at him with nothing but love in his bright eyes, and the Mark was looked completely lifeless.  Out of them all, it was that last one that scared Jinyoung the most.

“Mark!”  Mark listens then, whipping his head back around from where he was standing drenched by the road.  Jinyoung hears the telltale sound of a truck engine rumbling and he’s running as fast as he can.

Jinyoung finally catches up and grabs onto his shoulders as the truck whizzes by them.  “Thank  _God_.”

“What are you doing?!”  Mark tries to shake Jinyoung off.  “Are you following me?!”

“I thought you were going to…”  Jinyoung can’t breathe properly.  “I thought I wouldn’t make it in time.”

Jinyoung’s sure he’s hearing things- but the distinctive voice of Jackson calling out “Park Jinyoung!”  from the woods was too real.  He heard them all, Yugyeom, Youngjae, Bambam.  Had they followed him?  Why were they calling out for him?

“Why did you follow me?  Why can’t you leave me alone?!”  Mark is yelling and Jinyoung is shaking badly.

“I need to talk to you.” 

“I have nothing to say.”  Mark turns away and walks back towards the road.

Jinyoung follows him, a sense of calm washing over him. This is it,  _this is how it was supposed to happen._

“You don’t have to do this, Mark,” Jinyoung says quietly.  “You know this isn’t the right way.”

“You don’t know what I have to do,” Mark whispers back fiercely.  “You don’t know.  You could never understand.”  Mark still looks as beautiful as the first night when he saw him.  Covered in rain and his face helpless- he still looked like an angel.  So beautiful and pure Jinyoung had a hard time believing he was real.

“Jinyoung!  Jinyoung!  Jinyoung!”  The voices are getting louder now.  Jackson, Youngjae, Bambam, Yugyeom, and Jaebum.

“I want to help you.”  Jinyoung knows Mark will never understand.  Jinyoung couldn’t explain how much he both loved and hated him for everything he’s put him through the past seven days.  Mark only knows the Jinyoung of today.

“Don’t you get it?”  For the first time, he sees Mark crying. “I can’t be fixed.”

Jinyoung is sure he’s crying now as well, but he’s not afraid. 

_12:38AM_

Voices are roaring in his ears, but he tunes everything out.  All he can focus is on Mark crying, why was he still so beautiful?  At a time like this?

“I…”  Jinyoung stops himself before the words come out.   _I love you._

“It’s too late.”  Mark says.

And Jinyoung says, “It’s never too late.”

_12:39AM_

In a split-second, Mark is hurtling his body into the road, straight in the path of a familiar truck.

Jinyoung runs after him, slamming into his body at the last minute.

Jinyoung hears numerous people screaming out his name but it doesn’t matter anymore.

Mark goes flying out of the way, his body slamming hard on the pavement.

Then the truck slams into Jinyoung’s side, sending him flying, the pain coursing through his side and legs was like nothing Jinyoung ever felt before.

 _Jinyoung!  Jinyoung!  Jinyoung!_   Everyone is screaming.

Jinyoung hit the ground, fading fast, feelings lost, and his eyes shut.

He barely hears it, Mark sobbing uncontrollably above him.

“You… you  _saved_ me.”  A hand on his cheeks, tears falling down his face.  “Why did you save me?”

_No._

It’s weird how one day could play out so drastically different.  Maybe in some universe Jaebum and him never dated, Bambam never transferred to their school, or Youngjae ended up hating them for pranking him instead of becoming friends with them.  Maybe Jackson would never save him, maybe he would’ve grown up teased and tormented just like Mark.

In some universe he knows for sure, Mark and Jinyoung are in love.  That calms him tremendously.

In this universe though?  He wasn’t the best person, and he never would be, but at least he went out in a blazing glory knowing he did the right thing.  Knowing he changed someone’s life for the better.

If he could, he would be smiling right now.

_No, it's the opposite._

_You saved me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! there's a markjin fic fest going on that i participated in! check out the works, they're pretty amazing!!   
> http://archiveofourown.org/series/823587
> 
> //also... there's still one more chapter.


	8. Tomorrow

_6:38AM_

Jackson snoozed his alarm clock for what seemed like the hundredth time, pulling his cover over his head trying to forget that he had classes that day.

It had been exactly one week since the… _incident._ Jackson hated thinking about it- how he ran out from the woods only to see his best friends get hit by a truck.

Shivers wrack through his body once again.  _Stop thinking about it._

“Jackson, sweetheart!  Shouldn’t you be getting up? You have to pick up your friends!”  His mom yelled from downstairs.

For the past four years, every morning had happened like clockwork.  Jackson getting out of bed around six in the morning, showering, getting dressed, getting in his car and picking up a bagel and a coffee for breakfast from the local coffee shop and then…

Jackson can’t help it- he drives past Jinyoung’s house every morning knowing he’s not there.  Knowing that he won’t be picking him up.

It hurts him more, but he can’t bring himself to take any other route.

“Hey.”  Bambam gets in the passenger seat next to Jackson when he picks him up at his house.  Bambam always used to complain about how Jinyoung always got to sit in front, but now that the honour was his, he couldn’t enjoy it.

“Morning.”  Bambam was trying his best to keep spirits high but Jackson was still a lost cause.  “I bought an extra bagel, you want it?”

“Sure.” Bambam takes the bagel and they drive off again in silence.

“Happy Friday!”  Youngjae was fairing the best out of the three but Jackson knew he was doing it for his sake.  Youngjae cried so hard the first night Jackson thought he was going to completely lose his mind.  They were all traumatized beyond belief that night.  “I need this day to be over immediately.”

“Tell me about it, I’m exhausted.” Bambam replied.  Jackson started driving without greeting Youngjae.

They all settled back into uncomfortable silence and Jackson hated it.  He hated how awful they all felt.  He wanted them all to be normal again, but that wasn’t possible. 

Not without Jinyoung.

* * *

 

“Babe,” Jaebum was sitting with them at lunch, offering Youngjae a bite of his sandwich.  Jackson wasn’t entirely sure what happened between them this past week but their relationship seemed to stand the test of time past one drunken make out session.  “Open up.”

“Ah!”  Youngjae happily obliged which earned an ‘ewww!’ from Bambam.  “Don’t be jealous.”  Youngjae said to Bambam, chewing happily.

“I’m not jealous.”  Bambam shoved fries into his mouth passive aggressively.

He looked over to the corner of the cafeteria where there was an empty table.  The table Mark Tuan always sat at.

The name felt gross just thinking about it.  _Mark Tuan._

Jackson hasn’t seen Mark for a full week either.  He left in the ambulance with Jinyoung that night and was never seen again.  He couldn’t help but wonder what had happened.  He didn’t seem injured himself.  Was he skipping school?  It was a lot to handle, even after a weekend of trying to pull yourself together.  If something disastrous had happened he would’ve heard news of it by now.

“Jackson, are you listening?”

Bambam tries to engage him but he’s not in the mood.  “Do you know what happened to Mark?”

“Nobody knows, everyone assumed he’s been skipping.”  Bambam says.

That answer doesn’t sit easily with Jackson.  He knew he still had Mark’s family phone number saved somewhere- he didn’t know whether he even used the same number.  He doesn’t even know why he kept it.

Jackson heaved a heavy sigh.  “Sorry, I’m really out of it today.”  They nod, knowing that’s it’s not just today.  He's been like this all week.  “I’ll go hang out in front of my next class.”

Jackson gets up before anyone can say goodbye.

* * *

 

It was the last period of the day but Jackson couldn’t concentrate at all, his teacher’s words went in one ear and out the other.  He kept taking his phone out of his pocket and putting it back, unsure why he was even worried.  He just had a feeling that Mark could do something to put himself in danger.  He really shouldn’t care, but…

Why was it there again?  That nagging feeling? 

He couldn’t ignore it anymore, it was driving him up a wall.

Jackson didn’t care if he was making a scene, he stood up grabbed his bag and left the room in a hurry.  His skin was crawling and it wasn’t going to stop until he picked up his phone and made that dreadful call.

He walked to the end of the hallway, crouched against one of the lockers and dialed the number for the Tuan’s.

“Hello?  Who is this?”

“Hi,” Jackson hadn’t thought this plan through at all.  Mark’s dad’s voice startled him because it was so familiar.  “It’s, um, Jackson?  You might remember me…”

It was silent for a moment, Jackson almost thought he had hung up.  “Jackson?  It’s been a while since you called.”  Jackson doesn’t know how much Mark tells them, but it looks like it wasn’t enough for them to hate him.  “Mark isn’t home, is he not picking up his cell phone?”

Jackson was relieved to Mark Tuan was perfectly fine according to his parents.  “No, I lost his phone number! Yeah…”

“Oh, do you want me to give it to you-“

“No, actually- do you know where he is?”

“He’s where he’s been every day all day this week, in the hospital.  He’s visiting someone, I don’t know who exactly-“ It all clicks for Jackson then.

“Thanks, that’s all I needed to know!  Nice talking to you!”  Jackson hangs up and skips his last class to go to the hospital.

* * *

 

Jackson, being Jinyoung’s best friend should’ve been here every single day.  In all honesty, he wanted to be here but it was way too hard for him.  Seeing Jinyoung, bandaged up lying unconscious… the thought made his stomach turn.

He had planned to visit for the first time that day, but he still didn’t feel as though he was ready.

When he walked into the room where Jinyoung was, he wanted to turn away at the sight.  He really wasn’t ready.

Jinyoung was bandaged up everywhere except his face.  Seeing him lying unconscious was a trip.  Jinyoung had been unconscious since the accident, his heart monitor beeping away the only thing letting them know he hadn’t left them yet.  Bambam had visited once and he told Jackson the doctor said his injuries were severe and him waking up would be… a miracle.

Jackson wanted to run away but he forced himself into the lone empty chair next to his bed.  “Jinyoung…”  Jackson whispered, still not handling the situation well.  “Why did you do this?  Why… you did this to yourself.”  The night flashed before him again.  Jinyoung jumping in front of that truck...

Jinyoung didn’t move, his breaths steady.

“I miss you so much, nothing’s the same without you,” Jackson laid his hand on top of Jinyoung’s.  “I even miss your dry jokes and awful sense of humour…”  

Jackson almost jumped out of his skin when he felt Jinyoung’s hand clasp his own so suddenly.  “What was that?  You don’t like my jokes?”

“Jinyoung?!”  Jackson stood up and leaned over the bed so far, he was almost on it.  “You’re awake?  But the doctor said… you…?!”

“I only woke up this morning. I’m as surprised as you are, even I was sure I was dead.” 

Jackson couldn’t listen for any long before tears started running down his face and he climbed into the bed.  “Jinyoung! This is impossible… how did you... I’m so happy.”

“Jackson, you can’t hug me like this!  Ow!  Get out, I have broken bones!”  Jackson was so happy he forgot how fragile Jinyoung was at the moment.  “Do you want to actually kill me?!”

“Jinyoung, I brought your tea-“ Jackson was still tucked into Jinyoung’s side when he heard Mark’s voice.  “I… am I interrupting?”

Jackson climbed out of the bed then, feeling the awkward air in the room.

“No, tea please!”  Jinyoung said, reaching out one of his arms.

Mark walked over to the opposite side of the bed.  “Do you need help sitting up?”

“I can help.”  Jackson interjected, already reaching for Jinyoung’s back.

“Thank you.”  Jackson helped Jinyoung up and he took the warm cup of tea from Mark.  The awkward silence continued.

Jackson discreetly wiped away the tears that were drying on his face.  “I’m so glad you’re feeling better Jinyoung.  If you want me to leave-“

“Don’t you dare leave.”  Jinyoung’s words were firm.

“Why is… _he_ here?”  Jackson had been so happy to see Jinyoung awake he had forgotten he came because he was looking for Mark.

“He came to visit.”

“He’s been here every day.”  Jackson revealed what Mark’s dad had told him, Jinyoung seemed surprised by this as well, giving Mark a look.

“I just… needed to stay here,” Mark was staring at his feet now.  “You saved my life.”

Jinyoung sighed.  “You two are amazingly stupid.” 

“I’m stupid?  I didn’t jump in front of a truck for… this guy.”  Jackson felt the insults and hate rising in his throat again no matter how hard he tried to stop it.  “How could you do that?  You really could’ve-”

“Died?  I know.  I know what it feels like to die all too well.”  Jinyoung mumbled the last part.

“What?”  Jackson’s emotions were so jumbled he didn’t know whether to feel happy, angry or sad.

“You wouldn’t have felt guilty if Mark died instead of me?  Would you have felt better about yourself?”  Jackson had never heard Jinyoung talk like that to him.

“No?  I…”  Jackson looked back at Mark who was standing right across from him.  Why did he come here in the first place?  To make sure Mark was okay?  _Why did he even care?_ “I don’t know… I… I wouldn’t want anything to happen to either of you.”

Mark was staring at him now, his face twisted.  “You…”

“Mark, don’t say anything you’ll regret.” 

Mark took a deep breath after Jinyoung spoke to calm his nerves.  “He doesn’t care.”

Jackson felt offended, but he realized, why would Mark think he cared about him after all these years?  He had done nothing but torment him to the point…  “Wait,” Mark had walked in front of that truck intentionally, hadn’t he?  “That night, you…”

“Jackson…” Jinyoung tried to cut in but Jackson didn’t let him.

“Is this my fault?”  Jackson was shaking then.

“Calm down, it’s nobody’s fault.  We’ve all done stupid things,” Jinyoung stumbled on his words too.  “What matters is that all of us here, together, and we’re alive.  We’re all going to stay alive.  Nobody can keep blaming themselves and live in sadness silently, I’ll make sure of that.”

Mark and Jackson look at each other for a moment, the tension still thick.

“I know some things can’t be forgiven so easily, and will probably never be fully forgiven,” Jinyoung held Jackson’s hand in his left and Mark’s hand with his right.  “I hope we can agree that from now on we can all stay together peacefully, for my sake.”

There weren’t many people that Jackson loved more than Jinyoung, and he would do anything to keep him safe and happy.  Losing him once was one time too many. 

“Jackson, what the hell!  Did you skip class and come here?  We had to take the bus!”  Youngjae’s loud booming voice completely broke the moment.  “Wait, Jinyoung is awake?  YOU’RE AWAKE?”

“Stop!  Don’t jump on the bed! I have _broken bones_!”  Youngjae was stopped mid jog by Jaebum grabbing his arm.

“Jinyoung, oh my god!  Are you really awake?”  Bambam stood in awe at the door.

“No, I’m actually dead and this is my ghost.”

“That sense of humour!  Jinyoung, you’re really awake!”  Bambam practically skipped to Jinyoung’s bedside. 

“Wow, I didn’t realize you all cared about me that much.”  Jinyoung joked.  Youngjae almost hit him, forgetting his condition.  Jaebum grabbed him in time yet again.

“Good to see you’re okay, Jinyoung.”  Jaebum said, pulling Youngjae to his side.  Jinyoung raised an eyebrow at Jaebum and Jackson was sure they were communicating telepathically.

Youngjae and Bambam were bombarding Jinyoung with so many questions, Jinyoung didn’t see when Jackson walked past them to where Mark was standing, as he had to step away from the commotion as well.

Mark didn’t want to look Jackson in the eye, but when he finally did Jackson gulped.  It had been so long since he really saw Mark up close.  After all these years, still _aggravatingly handsome_.  “Mark,” The name still felt so foreign on his tongue.  “I know it probably doesn’t mean much right now, but I am sorry… for everything.”  Jackson didn’t even know how to begin singling out specific incidents- there were too many.

“Alright.”  Jackson wasn’t sure what he was expecting.  He didn’t look angry or upset, just emotionless.  “Thank you.”  Mark’s words were so stiff and unconvincing, but Jackson felt a tinge of relief that he had said something.

“Can I ask you something?”  There was one thing that had been bugging Jackson all these years.

“What?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone about… my secret?” 

Mark stared at him for a moment, his expression finally softening.  “I thought one day it would pass, and you would…”  Mark stopped, collecting his thoughts before he started again.  “You were always so sad back then, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you to any further extent.”

After all these years, Mark had been holding in all the pain because he had cared about Jackson.

Jackson didn’t realize tears had fallen until Mark reached out and wiped at his face with his hand.  “I can’t forgive you just yet,” Jackson tried to swallow back his sobs but they only come out harder.  “But please, don’t cry.  You’re too strong for that, right?”

“I’ve never been strong, I’ve always been running away from my problems instead of dealing with them head-on.”

“Hmm,” The faintest hint of a smile appears on Mark’s face.  “I’m glad you realized that.”

“Jinyoung!”  Yugyeom burst into the room.  “I brought you get well cookies!”

“Hey,” Yugyeom put the cookies on the table next to Jinyoung’s bed before joining the crowd and Jinyoung bedside.  Jackson walked back over with Mark as well.  “How did you know I’d be awake?”

“Just a hunch!”  Yugyeom said happily, glancing over to see Mark and Jackson side by side before focusing back on Jinyoung.  “Wow, are you going to be in bed for the rest of the school year?  They’re not going to let you graduate.”

“I wake up from an almost certain death and the first thing you do is make fun of me?!”

“It was a joke!”  Yugyeom laughs so hard his sides hurt.  “I am happy you’re okay, honestly.”

“Wait, you were the guy who hosted the party right?”  Bambam slides over to Yugyeom’s side.  “The tall guy?”

“That’s me!  I’m Yugyeom.  Nice to meet you…” 

“Bambam.”  They’re both smiles as they shake hands and Jackson can already see a friendship brewing.

“Okay, time for celebrations!  I’ll go buy some champagne!”

“Youngjae, you can’t drink in a hospital!”  Bambam yells.

“Nonsense!  Jinyoung has broken bones, not a broken liver”

“He’s on medication, you can’t mix medication with alcohol!”  Jackson is glad Youngjae and Bambam are back to normal.

“Hmm, you may have a point there… I can still drink it though!” 

“You freakin’ lush…”  Bambam is groaning and Jackson, for once, doesn’t feel like joining in on the bickering.

“I’m happy we’re all together.”  Jackson blurts out.

Jinyoung smiles at him.  “You’re right- if we weren’t together-“

“We would not be alive.”  Yugyeom finishes.

Jackson’s enthusiasm is hotter than the sun, Mark’s smile is as serene as the moon, and Jinyoung is staring in shock at Yugyeom like he just told him his darkest secret.

Jackson’s too content to question it.

* * *

* * *

 

“Why did you save me?”

Jinyoung had been expecting this question all day.

Mark doesn’t ask him until long after everyone had left, leaving the two of them alone again.

Jinyoung has so much he could say.  He could tell him everything, about how much he loved him, about how he had changed his life so deeply he felt as though Mark was the one who saved him in the end.

In the end, all of that was far too complicated to explain, so he settled for one thing he knew for certain.

“I wanted you to know that there’s someone who cares,” Mark really is an angel, Jinyoung thinks.  A real-life angel who saved him from a certain death with his blessings.  “You’ll always be the brightest star in my sky.”

Mark’s smile is the most beautiful sight Jinyoung has ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've finally reached the end! Thank all of you guys for reading! It's amazing how much easier the writing flows when you actually plan an entire story before writing, lmaoo. I also gotta say if you have the time pleeeease read the novel this is based on- Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver OR if you don't have time to read an entire book there is also a movie adaptation! It's really gorgeous. :D 
> 
> If you want more of me you can follow me on twitter @jagseunie and watch me break down over got7 in real time!~
> 
> Thank you for all your wonderful comments and kudos, and I hope you have/had a fantastic day!


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